White Orchid Melody Blog

I have a confession to make: I really like being a housewife, a.k.a. Domestic Goddess. Okay, so I don’t like to clean, but other than that. And yes, I need time to paint and write and read (which is what I do instead of cleaning), but I really like being able to stay at home: having the time to make my home a “nest”—a warm inviting place; having the time to cook nutritious meals; being able to watch my son learn and grow. I would be missing out on a lot of these things if I was working full time outside the home. When I worked full time, before my son came along, dinner was a hurried affair. Home from a long day, tired and drained, I wasn’t exactly up for getting creative in the kitchen. I relied heavily on processed foods. Even after I went vegetarian and had to learn to cook more things from scratch, soy-based meat substitutes were frequently on the menu.

After I quit working, I really struggled with the idea of just being a housewife. Even though our quality of life improved with me at home—better food for one thing!—I still felt like I wasn’t making an adequate contribution to our livelihood. I made several attempts at small craft-type businesses, but I was never passionate enough about any of them to get past the initial creative surge. I felt defeated and frustrated, yet at the same time I couldn’t bear the thought of another corporate job. Once we had a baby, my staying home was more “justified”, but still, I couldn’t really let myself go. I couldn’t let myself enjoy it.

I was brought up to be a career woman. From a very young age, I was taught that the most important thing for me to do was to have a career. College was stressed as essential, but really the education was only a means to the career. Perhaps I didn’t show any natural tendencies to nurture, but it wasn’t encouraged either. I don’t remember playing with baby dolls, only full-grown Barbie dolls. I never really had pets to nurture. It was all about growing up and being an independent woman. Parents always want their kids to have a better life than they had, to skip the hardships and enjoy life. And that truly was the spirit behind the lessons. My mom wanted me to have the freedom to choose a life of my own making. She didn’t want me to get tied down to a baby before I was ready.

Unfortunately, the lesson really REALLY sank in. So much so, that I had a hard time enjoying it once I did have a baby. I felt like I wasn’t cut out for being a mom. I definitely had hormonal issues, but looking back now, I think a lot of my depression stemmed from my inability to fall into the situation with grace. I couldn’t let myself go. I couldn’t let myself enjoy something that had been so devalued my whole life. I didn’t see myself as tender and nurturing and I didn’t think it was okay to be that way either. Maybe it was okay for other people, but not for me. Wasn’t I supposed to be doing something more with my life?

Three years later, I am finally realizing this about myself. (Slow learner?) Being in Italy, not being “allowed” to work here, has really let me off the hook. It has allowed me to enjoy staying at home. There is no pressure to be doing something more important because legally, I can’t. I have really figured out what I do and do not like to do with my time. But even here, for the last year or so, I’ve been thinking of how to make one of the things I like to do a career. I could go back to school for a Master’s in Painting and teach, for example. But honestly, I don’t want a career. That is so hard to admit after a lifetime of conditioning, but it’s true. I want freedom and flexibility in my life. If I do teach, I want it to be part time, on my terms. I don’t want to invest a ton of money in a degree and then be a slave to a job to pay back loans. No way, man.

In some ways it is easy to admit that I like being a housewife. After all, it means I get to do whatever I want all the time, right? But then there’s that whole being a mom thing. My husband, my mom, my in-laws, friends and other relatives have all said that I’m a good mom. But I still feel like I’m not cut out for it. I’ve been very resistant to the idea of having another baby because I was so miserable for that first year. But now I wonder how much of that was just my resistance to the situation. Can I own my experience and say “Yes! This is what I want!” and have a more positive experience next time? I actually love being a mom on most days. I love the experience, though, not the label. The label still has negative connotations in my mind. But the day-to-day of playing with my son, watching him learn and grow, is actually pretty awesome. There is a delicate balance, of course. When things become too heavily weighted towards everyone else’s needs, I start to get crazy. But as long as I get some “me time”—painting, reading, writing, running—I do alright. This is true for every other mom I know.

When I think about the future, what appeals to me is having a life full of things I value—time, art, good food, family, friends. Having a career and all the stresses that go with it is not part of that picture. I want a handmade life—one made of all the beautiful pieces that I can assemble together, like a quilt of joy, love, and creativity. It’s not about expecting everything to be perfectly happy all the time. It’s about accepting the challenges as necessary to the whole, feeling the pain so that you can feel the joy, not numbing oneself to the human experience. It can be whatever I want it to be. Each of us has the power to create a beautiful life for ourselves. We can make this life whatever we want it to be. It doesn’t have to fit into anyone else’s idea of a good life. It’s your life. Own it.

My new(ish) tattoo:

We are divine beings seeking the human experience.

It’s all about owning that experience, whatever it is.

I write about happiness quite often here. And maybe it sounds like I have it all figured out. But I still have bad days (weeks/months). Today is one of those days. (And the past two weeks have been those kind of weeks.) I’m ready to order a body double to stand in for me while I disappear for a couple of weeks!

What do you want to be when you grow up?

That is a terrible question. Much of my stress in life originated from that question. Answering it is like taking a life sentence! What if I choose the wrong path?! I’ve come to the conclusion that a better question is:

What do you want to be next?

Then you can think of the opportunity before you without fear of being right or wrong. If it doesn’t work out, then you move on to the next thing. Of course this alternative way of thinking does not align well with our current educational system. When you pay big bucks for a specific degree, you want to use it. But I think in the future that will change. I think the value of education has been decreasing at the same time that tuition has been increasing. A job that would have required a Bachelor’s degree 20 years ago, now requires a Master’s. And there are very few “professions” available to those with no degree.

But what if we all thought differently about work. There are people who do not keep 9-5 jobs. They work for awhile, then do whatever it is they like to do besides work. Then, when they need to, they work again. Generally the work they do is something that interests them…freelance, tutoring, or consulting in an area of expertise. One of my favorite books, Your Money or Your Life, talks about exactly that. The idea of that book is not to let your quest for money rule your life. Get your spending under control and simplify your needs so that you can spend time doing what you really want to do rather than being a slave to a paycheck. Some of the examples in the book detail people working in spurts, as mentioned above, or alternately, working just a few hours every day, instead of your standard 8-plus.

What would the world be like if more people focused making a life instead of making a living? Everything could change (for the better)! If most people worked part time, the education and healthcare systems would both be forced to adjust. Students would no longer be willing to pay expensive tuition. Employers would no longer be willing to pay for expensive health care benefits. What would happen instead? Well, not a government take over, that is for certain! But if the free market was allowed to fill in the gaps, think of what could happen. You could have educational opportunities outside of your standard government run universities. Think more like “continuing education” classes that some schools offer. Basically education based on specific interests. Of course if we are throwing out higher learning as an institution parents will carry more of the burden in teaching their children how to learn. Our current system doesn’t teach children how to learn, just how to fit into the box. But when you teach a child how to find answers, how to educate himself, his opportunities are endless. He is no longer constrained to one career path for the majority of his life. He can wander a bit, explore many options, experience more of all that life has to offer.

I, for one, have no set path laid out. I have several options brewing in my mind, many of which I’ve mentioned here before. The beauty and peace is in knowing that no matter what I choose it will be the right path for that moment. As soon as it stops being right for me, I can decide to do something else. This is living life with purpose and intent. This is creating life, rather than letting life drag you along.

I was thinking today about determination and perseverance. How do you stick with something when the going gets tough?

I was reading an article yesterday about homeschooling versus institutionalized preschool. There has been a nationwide initiative to have preschool available for all children aged 3 to 5. The motivation for this is to get kids all on the same level and ready for school. This is particularly advantageous for areas with a large non-english speaking population, as it gets the kids immersed in the language before kindergarten so that they don’t fall behind later on. But some studies have shown that small children learn best through supervised play. Essentially, allowing the child to direct his or her activities while the caretaker is available to encourage appropriate activities (i.e. playing with crayons not knives). Interestingly, that is the concept at the preschool here in Italy. The kids just get to play all day. The teachers talk to them a lot, sing songs–basically things to help them develop language skills. The government run version of preschool in the states has set times for everything…time for snack, time for potty, time to color, now time to sing. The children have no choice in the matter. This is the same as all public educational systems in the US. When young people get to college many have a hard time with their new found freedom. They don’t know how to be responsible because they’ve always been told exactly what to do, how to do it, and when to do it.

I have issues with our educational system. Even at its best it makes people fear failure. You can never be creative (or successful) without being willing to take risks. Teaching a child to fear failure goes against everything I believe in. I think we’d all be much happier if we had the “there is no attachment to the outcome” mentality. But that is definitely not the way public schools do things. I’ve always understood that my beliefs weren’t quite aligned with our public school system. So, I always sort of thought that I’d like to homeschool. That is unless I found a viable alternative.

One of the moms in my neighborhood is a teacher. She never really planned to homeschool. But upon moving here, and being an hour bus ride from the school (a school that wasn’t really that great anyway) they decided to homeschool. The motivation was providing a better education than what was locally available, making up for some slack areas from previous public school education, and avoiding the kids having to ride an hour each way to school and back. So, it was situational home schooling, not philosophical. Things were more difficult than anyone had expected. As I’ve written here, there is a tendency to feel isolated when living in a foreign country. You have to try really hard to stay in contact with other Americans, just to have someone to talk to. So, when you are at home all day teaching your two kids, when do you get to interact with other adults? You don’t. And the kids don’t get to interact with other kids. For some personalities this is okay (introverts). The family in question found that it was working alright for the daughter, but the son was really struggling. He is a typical extrovert who thrives in groups–truly needs to be around lots of other kids his age. They were doing organized sports groups three times a week. But it just wasn’t enough. Sometimes a situation gets the best of your ideals.

Seeing this situation I’ve questioned whether I can really homeschool a child or children. Do I really have the patience for that? Alex is not even two, and I already want him out of the house a couple hours a day! But at the same time, I wouldn’t be homeschooling because of a situational issue. I have very strong objections to the US school system. I’ve had to figure things out the hard way. I’ve constantly struggled against that fear of failure that was instilled in me at a very young age. There is a battle inside my mind anytime I try something where I don’t instantly succeed. “Do something else, you are no good at this.” “Just give up!” Perseverance is not my forte.

Interestingly, running has helped me get past that programming. When I was younger (middle school/high school), I was always interested in running. It always looked like fun. But the couple of times I tried it in middle school, I wasn’t very fast and I didn’t have the endurance to do distance. Unfortunately public education isn’t geared towards encouraging kids to try new things. So, I let feelings of intimidation and inadequacy keep me from ever pursuing my interest. Fast forward to a decade or so later. I was working at a YMCA and a coworker encouraged me to come out with the marathon training group. They were going for a 12 mile run. Every bit of logic said “whatever, that’s crazy,” but my coworker said “I think you can do it.” That’s all it took. Having someone believe in me. I went on to train for the full marathon, an exercise in discipline and perseverance if there ever was one! It was something I never thought I could do in a million years. It was something for which I have no natural aptitude. But I did it anyway. It helped me learn that it is possible to see things through even when they are uncomfortable, illogical, and maybe even insane. I can truly do anything I set my mind to.

And here it comes full circle. Even though it will be an immense challenge to homeschool, isn’t that what is truly best for my child? If I can teach him things in his first 10 years that it took me 30 to learn, shouldn’t I do it? If I can set him up to succeed by not fearing failure, by understanding the value of trying, exploring, and being creative, then isn’t it worth it? Shouldn’t I persevere under the uncomfortable, illogical, and insane moments that are all part of raising a child?