White Orchid Melody Blog

What really matters in life anyway? What is it that you’ll be so glad you did when you are on your deathbed? It most likely isn’t your job. Unless your job is doing something for which you have a true passion, but that is very rare. I think we all want to feel like we’ve contributed to the world in whatever way we best could. For some people that’s as simple as being a good mom (I said simple, not easy!). For others it’s advocating for the rights of those less fortunate.

Several months ago, I read The Art of Non-Conformity. It’s a great book about living life outside the rat race. Want to go back to school? Try his plan for a one-year independent study MBA, and save yourself a boatload of money. One of the things he brings up in the book, though, is that in order to really be fulfilled, you must find a way to give back to the world. We all want that feeling of having made a difference.

I’m not yet sure what that means for me. I have some long-term ideas about how I can make a difference by helping to motivate others to pursue their creative dreams. But the details of how to actually do that are still fuzzy. I’ve been of the mind recently that grad school is the way to go. If I get an MFA, I can teach. I really enjoyed the teaching I did before Alex was born, but do I want to do that full time? As far as jobs go, academia is pretty awesome. Summers off, anyone??? But one thing I know is that I’m not comfortable going into debt in order to get that degree. I value financial freedom more than any further education.

I fall into the trap of thinking, oh if I could just get that advanced degree then I could have a job I liked and make enough money to get by. But is all that really, truly, necessary? Or is it just an excuse to take the easy route? Degrees and jobs and career paths are the way things are done around here. It is a life script that we are all familiar with; it’s comfortable. To think of the alternatives is scary! No job? How will I survive? (Yes, I do have a husband, but the goal is for him to do what he loves, too!)

Our goal is to both be living our passion on a daily basis. And since we are two pretty headstrong people, our passion doesn’t involve taking direction from any one else. Not that we can’t. We’re both good at playing along with the corporate racket, but at the same time it kills one’s soul a little bit more every day. I know I could never have a corporate job again. Maybe I could handle academia. But do I really want that? Or do I want to have my days to myself and decide what I’d like to spend my time doing moment to moment?

Well, when you put it like that….

Another great book we read is Your Money or Your Life. The authors write about some unconventional approaches to work/life balance, with the general idea being to reduce your spending to the point of not needing to work as much. We’ve read other simple living books that espouse the same principles. And with that knowledge we have simplified our lives. We don’t buy so much useless crap. We choose quality products that will last a long time rather than what’s cheapest (this is also good for the planet, by the way). We aren’t perfect, and we definitely aren’t what you’d call thrifty, but most of our purchases are thoughtful at the very least. And we’ve come a long way from where we were when we first got married.

When I think about what I love to do, it’s obviously painting and writing. It’s not teaching. So why would teaching be my full time job when what I actually want to spend time doing is painting and writing? Teaching is something I enjoy, but it is secondary to painting and writing. So, it would make more sense for that to be the part time endeavor, rather than the other way around. So then, what is the degree actually worth? Education is always valuable. But you don’t have to always pay a lot for it. I had a full tuition scholarship for my undergraduate degree and I still walked away with a ridiculous amount of student loans for supplies, books, and living expenses. Having only recently paid all those off, I’m not too eager to get back into debt. It goes against our larger goal of financial freedom.

In a perfect world, we’d both be able to read, write, and create as much as we want. Our home would be paid for; our other expenses would be minimal; we could easily make enough money to pay for what we needed. We could grow some of our own food (well, Brian could anyway. I like the idea of gardens much more than the reality!). The simple life really appeals to me.

I went back to the states for a visit before Christmas. While there, I went to visit a friend who is living with her grandmother for awhile. Her grandmother is about 80, I think, and she is a prolific painter. When I walked into the garage from the driveway, I had to stop and stare. All the walls were lined with paintings. It was amazing. And there in the corner was her little studio. I talked to her about her paintings, naturally. I asked her if she ever sold them.

“No,” she said. “I don’t want to deal with that. I don’t want someone judging my work and saying it’s not good enough. It’s good enough for me. That’s what matters.”

I love her attitude. I don’t think you can ever really create something great for any reason other than because it is what your soul demands that you do. I’m not sure where I’m going with that other than to say that I wonder how much of my desire to get a degree is just my ego. I wonder if I’d be just as happy to paint and write, no matter what anyone else though of my work. Is it enough to just create? If you take away the financial pressure, is it enough to just create whatever your soul demands?

I read somewhere that if your dream doesn’t give you the chills, you aren’t dreaming big enough. We’re talking dreams, of course, not the interim goals associated with getting there. Dream big, and then set small, manageable goals for actually getting there.

My big dream is to have a Bed and Breakfast/Artist’s Retreat. I want an old farmhouse on a bit of land where I can build little cabins for art studios. It is funny how this idea has evolved. The Creative Haven started out as an idea for a paint your own pottery studio. I was working with a consultant on the business plan, but it just never seemed to come together, due to time or financial constraints. Then we moved to Italy. Since being here, my idea has expanded. Paint your own pottery studios are cool, but is that my passion? Not so much.

We’ve traveled quite a bit here, staying in various hotels. I’m quick to spot the potential in spaces, and I got really turned on to the idea of creating a well-designed and welcoming Bed and Breakfast. They also have these fabulous agriturismo B&Bs here, where they have essentially a farm and restaurant on site (that is sort of a tangent to my Big Dream, but it is always good to have room to grow).

Being here has given me the time and space to be creative, to paint and write and just slow down. I would love to provide that space for others who may not have that in their daily life. Wouldn’t a week or two away from it all to get down and dirty creative be awesome?!

Big Dreams have to be something that makes your heart sing. For me that is decorating and entertaining, and being surrounded by creative people. And being creative myself, of course. I’m right-brain, left-brain balanced, so the idea of having a creative business really appeals to me.

Big Dreams should also serve the world. What is your contribution to the world today? How are you making an impact? I’m raising my son, which is a big contribution, I’d say. I’m also making art and sharing it with the world. But those are both abstract contributions. I want to offer something more tangible. Offering a Creative Haven to artists would be one way. But I think I can do more.

When I was in high school, I really loved art. But I didn’t see how it was possible to make a living making art. So, I talked myself into starting the environmental science program when I went to college. But when I went to register for classes I realized I wasn’t so excited about all those science classes. I wanted to take drawing! I came to my senses and transferred to the art school. But only after talking to the admissions department about the possibility of gainful employment after 4 years! I was pleasantly surprised to find out that Fashion Design majors were easily employed. But still, the financial factor has been a huge part of my decision making process in pursuing education, career path, etc.

I’m sure you’ve heard it asked, “What would you do if money was no object?” Your reply is supposedly your passion and what you should be pursuing. But it is very difficult to actually do that. Most of us live constrained by fear and practicality. Not many people are going around encouraging young people to pursue their dreams. Mostly the message is to grow up and be responsible. Conform.

With the Creative Haven, I’d like to change that. I’d like to use proceeds from the B&B to offer scholarships for young people interested in pursuing the arts. I’d also like to be a voice that says, “Follow your passion! You’ll never find happiness if you don’t!” Maybe I’ll offer summer art camps full of motivational pep talks I’d like to make a difference.

So how do you get your Big Dream to be your big reality? Small goals. It’s a delicate balance. Sometimes we make excuses for having what we really want by creating distance between ourselves and our goals. We say, “I want Z, but first I have to do A through Y.” It can be overwhelming. I think meditation can be useful here as a way to get in touch with your goals without worrying about how it will happen. Sometimes just setting the intention is half the battle. And then sometimes you’ll get a feeling for what the flow might be.

For me and my Big Dream, I don’t have any concrete steps. In fact I could probably do it tomorrow if that’s what I wanted. But I have a sense that things will flow a different way. I’m open to whatever path will take me there. Here’s what I think it might look like:

First, I’m planning to go back to school for my Master of Fine Arts degree. I really enjoyed my time teaching Fashion Illustration at Wash U, and I’d like to teach in the future. And spending a couple of years honing my painting skills and more fully developing my critical analysis would be good for me. What does that have to do with Creative Haven? Well, teaching will probably help me earn more money than selling paintings alone (even though teachers don’t make very much!).

I’m also not ready to settle down in one spot just yet. I’ll be moving somewhere for school, then somewhere to teach, and then maybe other places, and traveling all the while, of course. Hopefully along the way I’ll meet lots of artists who will one day come to my retreats! We all know the power of networking. But when the time is right, I’ll feel it. I’ll keep close to my love, and my passion, not fear, will guide me.

And of course, I reserve the right to completely change my mind about all of this and take some path of which I cannot yet even conceive. I’ll leave you with this quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson’s essay “Self Reliance”:

“With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall. Speak what you think now in hard words and tomorrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said today.–’Ah, so you shall be sure to be misunderstood.’–Is it so bad then to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood.”

What do you want to be when you grow up?

That is a terrible question. Much of my stress in life originated from that question. Answering it is like taking a life sentence! What if I choose the wrong path?! I’ve come to the conclusion that a better question is:

What do you want to be next?

Then you can think of the opportunity before you without fear of being right or wrong. If it doesn’t work out, then you move on to the next thing. Of course this alternative way of thinking does not align well with our current educational system. When you pay big bucks for a specific degree, you want to use it. But I think in the future that will change. I think the value of education has been decreasing at the same time that tuition has been increasing. A job that would have required a Bachelor’s degree 20 years ago, now requires a Master’s. And there are very few “professions” available to those with no degree.

But what if we all thought differently about work. There are people who do not keep 9-5 jobs. They work for awhile, then do whatever it is they like to do besides work. Then, when they need to, they work again. Generally the work they do is something that interests them…freelance, tutoring, or consulting in an area of expertise. One of my favorite books, Your Money or Your Life, talks about exactly that. The idea of that book is not to let your quest for money rule your life. Get your spending under control and simplify your needs so that you can spend time doing what you really want to do rather than being a slave to a paycheck. Some of the examples in the book detail people working in spurts, as mentioned above, or alternately, working just a few hours every day, instead of your standard 8-plus.

What would the world be like if more people focused making a life instead of making a living? Everything could change (for the better)! If most people worked part time, the education and healthcare systems would both be forced to adjust. Students would no longer be willing to pay expensive tuition. Employers would no longer be willing to pay for expensive health care benefits. What would happen instead? Well, not a government take over, that is for certain! But if the free market was allowed to fill in the gaps, think of what could happen. You could have educational opportunities outside of your standard government run universities. Think more like “continuing education” classes that some schools offer. Basically education based on specific interests. Of course if we are throwing out higher learning as an institution parents will carry more of the burden in teaching their children how to learn. Our current system doesn’t teach children how to learn, just how to fit into the box. But when you teach a child how to find answers, how to educate himself, his opportunities are endless. He is no longer constrained to one career path for the majority of his life. He can wander a bit, explore many options, experience more of all that life has to offer.

I, for one, have no set path laid out. I have several options brewing in my mind, many of which I’ve mentioned here before. The beauty and peace is in knowing that no matter what I choose it will be the right path for that moment. As soon as it stops being right for me, I can decide to do something else. This is living life with purpose and intent. This is creating life, rather than letting life drag you along.

I was thinking today about determination and perseverance. How do you stick with something when the going gets tough?

I was reading an article yesterday about homeschooling versus institutionalized preschool. There has been a nationwide initiative to have preschool available for all children aged 3 to 5. The motivation for this is to get kids all on the same level and ready for school. This is particularly advantageous for areas with a large non-english speaking population, as it gets the kids immersed in the language before kindergarten so that they don’t fall behind later on. But some studies have shown that small children learn best through supervised play. Essentially, allowing the child to direct his or her activities while the caretaker is available to encourage appropriate activities (i.e. playing with crayons not knives). Interestingly, that is the concept at the preschool here in Italy. The kids just get to play all day. The teachers talk to them a lot, sing songs–basically things to help them develop language skills. The government run version of preschool in the states has set times for everything…time for snack, time for potty, time to color, now time to sing. The children have no choice in the matter. This is the same as all public educational systems in the US. When young people get to college many have a hard time with their new found freedom. They don’t know how to be responsible because they’ve always been told exactly what to do, how to do it, and when to do it.

I have issues with our educational system. Even at its best it makes people fear failure. You can never be creative (or successful) without being willing to take risks. Teaching a child to fear failure goes against everything I believe in. I think we’d all be much happier if we had the “there is no attachment to the outcome” mentality. But that is definitely not the way public schools do things. I’ve always understood that my beliefs weren’t quite aligned with our public school system. So, I always sort of thought that I’d like to homeschool. That is unless I found a viable alternative.

One of the moms in my neighborhood is a teacher. She never really planned to homeschool. But upon moving here, and being an hour bus ride from the school (a school that wasn’t really that great anyway) they decided to homeschool. The motivation was providing a better education than what was locally available, making up for some slack areas from previous public school education, and avoiding the kids having to ride an hour each way to school and back. So, it was situational home schooling, not philosophical. Things were more difficult than anyone had expected. As I’ve written here, there is a tendency to feel isolated when living in a foreign country. You have to try really hard to stay in contact with other Americans, just to have someone to talk to. So, when you are at home all day teaching your two kids, when do you get to interact with other adults? You don’t. And the kids don’t get to interact with other kids. For some personalities this is okay (introverts). The family in question found that it was working alright for the daughter, but the son was really struggling. He is a typical extrovert who thrives in groups–truly needs to be around lots of other kids his age. They were doing organized sports groups three times a week. But it just wasn’t enough. Sometimes a situation gets the best of your ideals.

Seeing this situation I’ve questioned whether I can really homeschool a child or children. Do I really have the patience for that? Alex is not even two, and I already want him out of the house a couple hours a day! But at the same time, I wouldn’t be homeschooling because of a situational issue. I have very strong objections to the US school system. I’ve had to figure things out the hard way. I’ve constantly struggled against that fear of failure that was instilled in me at a very young age. There is a battle inside my mind anytime I try something where I don’t instantly succeed. “Do something else, you are no good at this.” “Just give up!” Perseverance is not my forte.

Interestingly, running has helped me get past that programming. When I was younger (middle school/high school), I was always interested in running. It always looked like fun. But the couple of times I tried it in middle school, I wasn’t very fast and I didn’t have the endurance to do distance. Unfortunately public education isn’t geared towards encouraging kids to try new things. So, I let feelings of intimidation and inadequacy keep me from ever pursuing my interest. Fast forward to a decade or so later. I was working at a YMCA and a coworker encouraged me to come out with the marathon training group. They were going for a 12 mile run. Every bit of logic said “whatever, that’s crazy,” but my coworker said “I think you can do it.” That’s all it took. Having someone believe in me. I went on to train for the full marathon, an exercise in discipline and perseverance if there ever was one! It was something I never thought I could do in a million years. It was something for which I have no natural aptitude. But I did it anyway. It helped me learn that it is possible to see things through even when they are uncomfortable, illogical, and maybe even insane. I can truly do anything I set my mind to.

And here it comes full circle. Even though it will be an immense challenge to homeschool, isn’t that what is truly best for my child? If I can teach him things in his first 10 years that it took me 30 to learn, shouldn’t I do it? If I can set him up to succeed by not fearing failure, by understanding the value of trying, exploring, and being creative, then isn’t it worth it? Shouldn’t I persevere under the uncomfortable, illogical, and insane moments that are all part of raising a child?