White Orchid Melody Blog

I believe in the power of manifestation. I believe that we can set our mind to something we want and then “let go.” Some call this prayer, or giving it to God. To some, it is setting your intention and then letting your higher self be your guide. Either way it is something I have found to work in my life, even before I realized what it was.

Several years ago, I wrote in a journal that I wanted to travel and paint and write. At the time I was working 50+ hours a week and that sounded completely impossible. I was too exhausted to paint even on the weekends. And travel? When? during the 10 days off I got each year? That wasn’t the “travel” I was hoping for. I didn’t know how it could possibly work out, just that I wanted it. And maybe because it seemed so impossible, I let it go. Then someone or something else took over and guided me down the path that led to my heart’s desire. At the time I never would have dreamed that the path would include a transatlantic relocation! But it all worked out. And now I have faith in that power of intention.

So, as I think about where I want to go, who I want to be in the future, there are some things that I’m fairly certain I want:

-a more pedestrian/bike oriented lifestyle (not relying on a car for daily travel)
-to simplify our home, paring down excess belongings, so that we can stay in our small(ish) house as our family grows
-to spend more time on what matters: art, reading, family, friends, music, food, and fun! and less time on annoying things like bills, paperwork, errands, and working just for the paycheck
-to nurture relationships with friends and family
-the resources to travel
-to work on my art as both a business and an expanding of my skill and talent
-to have access to healthy food (via farmers’ markets, garden, etc)
-to have more green features in our home

Those are some of the more specific, tangible things. Then there are some other things that are still just big ideas:

-I want to live a life that inspires others. We make the world a better place one day and one choice at a time.
-I want to find a good solution to the dilemma of education my children. I am frustrated by the quality of available schooling options.  I want my kids to learn to love learning, not to just memorize facts for a test.
-I want us to have Financial Freedom–the freedom to do what we love and have enough money to live comfortably. I don’t know what that means yet. I know part of it is reducing expenses. The lower your expenses, the less money you have to earn to pay them.
-I want to nurture my community and make it a better place to live. I want to give back. One idea I have for this is offering free community classes on cheap and healthy home cooking.

Those are my hopes and dreams, my intentions for the coming years. They may shift and change with time, but by understanding what it is I want (even if I have no idea how to get there), I set myself on the right path.

We’ve been in Italy for nearly 3 years now! Hard to believe. It has gone by so quickly. But at the same time, our old life seems a world away.

I’ve learned so much here about slowing down and enjoying life. I don’t think I’ll be the same as I was when I go back to that “old life”. There are a few ideas I hope to bring back with me from our time here in Italy: fresh food, a pedestrian lifestyle, and a more relaxed outlook on life.

The biggest change for me here has been my idea of good food. The food here, both raw staples and cooked meals at restaurants, is simply amazing. It’s fresh. It’s local. It’s delicious. I now love vegetables that I always thought I hated. I’m willing to try many more new things now, because I haven’t experienced many fresh foods that aren’t fabulous sauteed in a little olive oil and garlic. I’ve learned how to cook with fresh ingredients, which were so intimidating before. And my standards are much higher now! I can’t just go back to the states and fall back into processed food and month-old flavorless veggies. Yuck! That’s not to say I won’t indulge in my favorite fast food occasionally. But I’m now accustomed to eating fresh and my body craves fresh. When we get back to St. Louis, I’m going to work harder to find quality local food, and hopefully next summer we’ll have our own garden again! I want to learn to can and preserve food for the winter. I want to be more self-sustaining.

The other thing that has spoiled me here is being able to walk from our house to get basic necessities–fresh fruit and veggies, milk, pharmacy, post office, restaurants. That isn’t going to be quite as easy back home. St. Louis is not known for it’s walkability, though the neighborhood we live in gets a 63/100 on Walkscore. Not too bad for the energetic. We have great parks nearby, an okay grocery store less than a mile away, and several restaurants. The library is just under a mile and a half. There’s a big Target near there too. So, really I can get everything I need in less than 2 miles (each way!). That isn’t exactly close, but it’s doable. We were doing some walking to restaurants, and even to Target before we moved. Now that our habits have changed so much, it will be even easier for us. Our goal is to only use the car for special trips, like stocking up at Trader Joe’s or maybe a weekly trip to the farmers’ market. Brian is planning to bike to work, so we really won’t be using our car much at all. At least, that’s the plan. We had been discussing the possibility of buying a Prius. But when it comes right down to it, we’d be wasting our money. Sure, getting 50+ miles to the gallon would be nice, but if you simplify your life so that you aren’t relying on a car daily, you can save way more money by just not buying as much gas for your regular car. Even factoring in long trips to visit family doesn’t add up to as much as we’d spend on a new (or even used) car.

It’s good to take a step back and ask yourself, “what do I really need?” Life here in Italy is not focused on stuff. It’s about family and community. I will say this is becoming less true with the younger generations, where you see more American style consumption. However, family is still of utmost importance. Sundays are about going to “Mamma’s” and eating for 5 hours. That’s entertainment!

The idea is to relax. Stop going so much. That is what being here has taught me. Driving isn’t easy and tends to be stressful here, so I’m less motivated to get in a car and go somewhere. But that’s a good thing. Without all the running around, I found time to read, paint, and write. I want to preserve that as much as possible when I get back. I don’t want to get caught up in the hamster wheel again. A disclaimer: I tend to be a little anti-social. But when activities are just stressing you out, it’s time to cut back. With small kids on a schedule, you don’t really have a lot of time for running around anyway. Kids need downtime, oh, and adults do too! With downtime, you can do things that add to your real quality of life–spending time with friends and family or making healthy food for your family.

I have a confession to make: I really like being a housewife, a.k.a. Domestic Goddess. Okay, so I don’t like to clean, but other than that. And yes, I need time to paint and write and read (which is what I do instead of cleaning), but I really like being able to stay at home: having the time to make my home a “nest”—a warm inviting place; having the time to cook nutritious meals; being able to watch my son learn and grow. I would be missing out on a lot of these things if I was working full time outside the home. When I worked full time, before my son came along, dinner was a hurried affair. Home from a long day, tired and drained, I wasn’t exactly up for getting creative in the kitchen. I relied heavily on processed foods. Even after I went vegetarian and had to learn to cook more things from scratch, soy-based meat substitutes were frequently on the menu.

After I quit working, I really struggled with the idea of just being a housewife. Even though our quality of life improved with me at home—better food for one thing!—I still felt like I wasn’t making an adequate contribution to our livelihood. I made several attempts at small craft-type businesses, but I was never passionate enough about any of them to get past the initial creative surge. I felt defeated and frustrated, yet at the same time I couldn’t bear the thought of another corporate job. Once we had a baby, my staying home was more “justified”, but still, I couldn’t really let myself go. I couldn’t let myself enjoy it.

I was brought up to be a career woman. From a very young age, I was taught that the most important thing for me to do was to have a career. College was stressed as essential, but really the education was only a means to the career. Perhaps I didn’t show any natural tendencies to nurture, but it wasn’t encouraged either. I don’t remember playing with baby dolls, only full-grown Barbie dolls. I never really had pets to nurture. It was all about growing up and being an independent woman. Parents always want their kids to have a better life than they had, to skip the hardships and enjoy life. And that truly was the spirit behind the lessons. My mom wanted me to have the freedom to choose a life of my own making. She didn’t want me to get tied down to a baby before I was ready.

Unfortunately, the lesson really REALLY sank in. So much so, that I had a hard time enjoying it once I did have a baby. I felt like I wasn’t cut out for being a mom. I definitely had hormonal issues, but looking back now, I think a lot of my depression stemmed from my inability to fall into the situation with grace. I couldn’t let myself go. I couldn’t let myself enjoy something that had been so devalued my whole life. I didn’t see myself as tender and nurturing and I didn’t think it was okay to be that way either. Maybe it was okay for other people, but not for me. Wasn’t I supposed to be doing something more with my life?

Three years later, I am finally realizing this about myself. (Slow learner?) Being in Italy, not being “allowed” to work here, has really let me off the hook. It has allowed me to enjoy staying at home. There is no pressure to be doing something more important because legally, I can’t. I have really figured out what I do and do not like to do with my time. But even here, for the last year or so, I’ve been thinking of how to make one of the things I like to do a career. I could go back to school for a Master’s in Painting and teach, for example. But honestly, I don’t want a career. That is so hard to admit after a lifetime of conditioning, but it’s true. I want freedom and flexibility in my life. If I do teach, I want it to be part time, on my terms. I don’t want to invest a ton of money in a degree and then be a slave to a job to pay back loans. No way, man.

In some ways it is easy to admit that I like being a housewife. After all, it means I get to do whatever I want all the time, right? But then there’s that whole being a mom thing. My husband, my mom, my in-laws, friends and other relatives have all said that I’m a good mom. But I still feel like I’m not cut out for it. I’ve been very resistant to the idea of having another baby because I was so miserable for that first year. But now I wonder how much of that was just my resistance to the situation. Can I own my experience and say “Yes! This is what I want!” and have a more positive experience next time? I actually love being a mom on most days. I love the experience, though, not the label. The label still has negative connotations in my mind. But the day-to-day of playing with my son, watching him learn and grow, is actually pretty awesome. There is a delicate balance, of course. When things become too heavily weighted towards everyone else’s needs, I start to get crazy. But as long as I get some “me time”—painting, reading, writing, running—I do alright. This is true for every other mom I know.

When I think about the future, what appeals to me is having a life full of things I value—time, art, good food, family, friends. Having a career and all the stresses that go with it is not part of that picture. I want a handmade life—one made of all the beautiful pieces that I can assemble together, like a quilt of joy, love, and creativity. It’s not about expecting everything to be perfectly happy all the time. It’s about accepting the challenges as necessary to the whole, feeling the pain so that you can feel the joy, not numbing oneself to the human experience. It can be whatever I want it to be. Each of us has the power to create a beautiful life for ourselves. We can make this life whatever we want it to be. It doesn’t have to fit into anyone else’s idea of a good life. It’s your life. Own it.

My new(ish) tattoo:

We are divine beings seeking the human experience.

It’s all about owning that experience, whatever it is.

What really matters in life anyway? What is it that you’ll be so glad you did when you are on your deathbed? It most likely isn’t your job. Unless your job is doing something for which you have a true passion, but that is very rare. I think we all want to feel like we’ve contributed to the world in whatever way we best could. For some people that’s as simple as being a good mom (I said simple, not easy!). For others it’s advocating for the rights of those less fortunate.

Several months ago, I read The Art of Non-Conformity. It’s a great book about living life outside the rat race. Want to go back to school? Try his plan for a one-year independent study MBA, and save yourself a boatload of money. One of the things he brings up in the book, though, is that in order to really be fulfilled, you must find a way to give back to the world. We all want that feeling of having made a difference.

I’m not yet sure what that means for me. I have some long-term ideas about how I can make a difference by helping to motivate others to pursue their creative dreams. But the details of how to actually do that are still fuzzy. I’ve been of the mind recently that grad school is the way to go. If I get an MFA, I can teach. I really enjoyed the teaching I did before Alex was born, but do I want to do that full time? As far as jobs go, academia is pretty awesome. Summers off, anyone??? But one thing I know is that I’m not comfortable going into debt in order to get that degree. I value financial freedom more than any further education.

I fall into the trap of thinking, oh if I could just get that advanced degree then I could have a job I liked and make enough money to get by. But is all that really, truly, necessary? Or is it just an excuse to take the easy route? Degrees and jobs and career paths are the way things are done around here. It is a life script that we are all familiar with; it’s comfortable. To think of the alternatives is scary! No job? How will I survive? (Yes, I do have a husband, but the goal is for him to do what he loves, too!)

Our goal is to both be living our passion on a daily basis. And since we are two pretty headstrong people, our passion doesn’t involve taking direction from any one else. Not that we can’t. We’re both good at playing along with the corporate racket, but at the same time it kills one’s soul a little bit more every day. I know I could never have a corporate job again. Maybe I could handle academia. But do I really want that? Or do I want to have my days to myself and decide what I’d like to spend my time doing moment to moment?

Well, when you put it like that….

Another great book we read is Your Money or Your Life. The authors write about some unconventional approaches to work/life balance, with the general idea being to reduce your spending to the point of not needing to work as much. We’ve read other simple living books that espouse the same principles. And with that knowledge we have simplified our lives. We don’t buy so much useless crap. We choose quality products that will last a long time rather than what’s cheapest (this is also good for the planet, by the way). We aren’t perfect, and we definitely aren’t what you’d call thrifty, but most of our purchases are thoughtful at the very least. And we’ve come a long way from where we were when we first got married.

When I think about what I love to do, it’s obviously painting and writing. It’s not teaching. So why would teaching be my full time job when what I actually want to spend time doing is painting and writing? Teaching is something I enjoy, but it is secondary to painting and writing. So, it would make more sense for that to be the part time endeavor, rather than the other way around. So then, what is the degree actually worth? Education is always valuable. But you don’t have to always pay a lot for it. I had a full tuition scholarship for my undergraduate degree and I still walked away with a ridiculous amount of student loans for supplies, books, and living expenses. Having only recently paid all those off, I’m not too eager to get back into debt. It goes against our larger goal of financial freedom.

In a perfect world, we’d both be able to read, write, and create as much as we want. Our home would be paid for; our other expenses would be minimal; we could easily make enough money to pay for what we needed. We could grow some of our own food (well, Brian could anyway. I like the idea of gardens much more than the reality!). The simple life really appeals to me.

I went back to the states for a visit before Christmas. While there, I went to visit a friend who is living with her grandmother for awhile. Her grandmother is about 80, I think, and she is a prolific painter. When I walked into the garage from the driveway, I had to stop and stare. All the walls were lined with paintings. It was amazing. And there in the corner was her little studio. I talked to her about her paintings, naturally. I asked her if she ever sold them.

“No,” she said. “I don’t want to deal with that. I don’t want someone judging my work and saying it’s not good enough. It’s good enough for me. That’s what matters.”

I love her attitude. I don’t think you can ever really create something great for any reason other than because it is what your soul demands that you do. I’m not sure where I’m going with that other than to say that I wonder how much of my desire to get a degree is just my ego. I wonder if I’d be just as happy to paint and write, no matter what anyone else though of my work. Is it enough to just create? If you take away the financial pressure, is it enough to just create whatever your soul demands?

The holidays are approaching. It is a time for family. Being here with no family around makes it seem kind of different. We’ve always either had the family come to our place or we’ve travelled to see them. Everyone here is in the same boat though, so friends become family. We have some Thanksgiving invitations already. We are going to a potluck type dinner on Wednesday night. I’m so excited for that! I love trying a variety of different foods…dishes that you’ve probably had before but that taste completely different at the hands of another cook. And of course, there will be my favorite thing about Thanksgiving: dressing and gravy! About a million different ways to make dressing depending on what part of the country you are from. Cornbread dressing is still my all time favorite, but it is always fun to try different versions. And then there’s gravy.

Nothing beats gravy. (yeah, I know, I’m vegetarian…but I make an exception at Thanksgiving and Christmas) The best meal of my life was basically a plateful of gravy. Brian and I were in Sierra Vista, AZ while he was going through a training course. We decided to drive to San Diego for Christmas eve/Christmas since we didn’t have anything else going on. We had a nice visit. It was 65 or 70 degrees and everyone was in sweaters. Kind of funny. Much like Italy actually. But anyway. When we got up Christmas morning, we were going to head out to eat breakfast. I took my vitamins before we left. Well, we ended up having to wait an extremely long time since it was Christmas and all the restaurants were packed (who’d have thought?). We waited so long that my vitamins started to upset my stomach. By the time the food came, I couldn’t even eat. Mind you, we’d just gotten engaged. Brian must have really been wondering what he’d gotten himself into! So, I couldn’t eat. So Brian ate (a lot), and we started the drive back to AZ. By the time we hit the mountains I was really, really hungry. And it was Christmas, so not much was open. We randomly turned off at this tiny little town in the mountains. We drove around and found a little shack of a restaurant. They had Christmas dinner! So, of course that is what we ordered. Out comes a plate of turkey, dressing, and green beans–all smothered in gravy! Seriously. Best meal of my life. Of course, the fact that I was starving and fully expected to eat McDonald’s made it even better

With the way this morning started I was afraid my gratitude post was going to be a challenge! Alex isn’t aware that the time changed back, so we’re up at 6:30am, which is not my favorite time of day anyway. Then I go to change the sheet/blankets on his bed and he has a total freakout. He kept pulling the blankets back out of the clothes basket. I explained that they were going in the wash. I took him and the clothes downstairs to the laundry room and told him he could help me put them in the wash. Oh, boy. That did not go well. He sat in front of the washer and bawled his little eyes out for the longest. So strange what things are totally fine and then one day completely unacceptable! He was so sad that his blankets were in the washer. Meanwhile I go make coffee, get him some milk, which he refuses to drink, then take a load of clothes upstairs to be hung out later. When I come back downstairs half of my coffee is in the floor and running down the cabinets. I guess I left it within reach and he decided to have a sip. So, I had him help me clean that up. We finally managed to get ready and go to preschool. I tried to leave, he cried, so I stayed awhile. Finally I just had to go. I told the teacher I’d sit outside 15 minutes or so. If it got really bad, she could come get me. He screamed for at least that long, but then she came out and said “he’s eating breakfast, it’s okay.” She told me to go and they’d call if the crying got bad.

Meanwhile one of my friends had showed up to drop off her older child, so we went for a jog together. Alex was fine, I never got a call. So, things worked out after all. I even had time to shower, dry my hair (which takes forever), and write a little bit here. For that I am grateful! I am about to have to go pick him up though, so I will add another post (back to my topic!) during his nap. Ciao!

I’m in the mood to write, so bear with me. It is quite possible that this could be long and rambling

We went to a birthday party yesterday for one of the neighborhood boys. It was at La Masseria, which is an “agriturismo” as well as a Bed and Breakfast. This agriturismo concept has captivated me! Basically you have a farm where you are growing a large vegetable garden, fruit trees, often a vineyard, and animals such as chickens, pigs, goats, etc. Then the farm uses it’s own bounty to supply an on-site restaurant. I’ve heard that for a place to have the “agriturismo” label here, they must be getting 90% of what is served from the property. That is a very high percentage when you take into account the things that you can’t get on your farm (like wheat and other baking goods). It is local, seasonal, sustainable, and organic. Beautiful. I think something like this would be fabulous back home! I think of the wineries we used to visit outside of St. Louis. They could easily expand to incorporate a farm/restaurant. It is such a family friendly concept. The kids adore the animals. Alex stood and stared at the chickens for the longest time!

I think it is a perfect business concept given the current popularity of organic, locally grown foods. Of course, dining is a different concept here in Italy. It is a four or six hour meal! There is no rushing about. Families dine in large groups, helping out with the children. The agriturismo is ideal for this style of dining because it provides entertainment for the kids. There is plenty of space to run around, animals to investigate, and usually some playground equipment as well. You eat a little, walk a little, eat some more, walk some more, visit the other folks in the restaurant, old people hold your baby or talk to your children. It is about community–something sorely lacking in most of the US (at least from my experience).

I think we could run a successful business off this concept. Getting people to slow down and smell the roses! Taste their food! Savor the company. It would bring about health and happiness. Food made to order, from quality ingredients, is so much better for you! So many people I’ve talked to here have remarked how healthier they are since moving to Italy. It’s true: you eat healthy, you walk more, life is good. Of course the rushed, American style dining experience is this antithesis of all of that. The food can’t be made to order, because then you’d have to wait for it, god forbid! But maybe, just maybe, if there was a reason to linger, if there was something to entertain the kids, maybe we could all relax a little bit and experience a little la dolce vita stateside.

Sunday I set the alarm for 5:45 with every intention of going for an early run before the heat and before Brian left for his bike ride. But when the alarm went off, my brain said “what is that??? excuse us, we are sleeping!” So, I got up with Alex at 8:30 instead. I still went for a run though. I just suffered for it! I’m looking forward to some cooler temps in September. We went this morning too, again late. I end up taking walk breaks when I go so late. I simply cannot endure the heat. I remember training for the marathon in ’06. I’d get up at 4:30 to make it Forest Park by 5am, so that hopefully I’d be finished with my 20 miles by 9am! And even then it would be hot. I was in tears on at least one occasion. I hope training in a Mediterranean rainy season is better than training through a St. Louis summer. I guess I’ll find out!

On a brighter note, my mom is coming to visit in September. She has agreed to keep Alex for a few days while Brian and I go away. I’m so excited! It is our first trip away since he was born. We are going to spend 4 nights in London. I got a super cheap flight, so I splurged a bit on the room. Fun, fun, fun! I can hardly wait. Brian went to London for work last year when we still lived in St. Louis. I was so jealous that I couldn’t go. So, now I will have my chance. It will be nice to see museums and be able to go out at night–things we can’t do so easily with Alex in tow.

stays together? Better yet, stays fit together!

Yesterday we drove down to Grants Trail. Brian took the cyclocross bike and the burley trailer. He and Alex went for a bike ride while I jogged for about an hour. It was good. It is a nice trail, paved but surrounded by woods and wetlands. It was really nice to get out as a family, even though we have different exercise interests. Brian hates to jog, he’d never make it 5 miles with me. I don’t hate biking, but I get a bigger bang for my buck jogging (burns more calories per hour). Plus I can go at my own pace and don’t have to keep up with anyone.

Of course it had been several, several days since I had jogged. So, today I’m a little sore. It still amazes me that I can go out and jog 5 miles without dying, even when it has been a week.

I went to get a pedicure on Saturday. I was reading a Self magazine while I was there. It featured an interesting article about body types and fat loss. Apparently there was a study that had shown that apples and pears store and burn fat differently. Apple body types (that’s me) store fat around the abdomen. Pear types store fat in the hips, butt and thighs. But there was also a difference in the kind of fat. Triglycerides tend to migrate to the hips and thighs, so for pears diet was very important in losing weight. For apple types, exercise alone was often sufficient. Interesting, I thought.

It also said that 200 minutes a week of jogging would bring down the fat stores in the waist area. Over the course of the 8 month study, participants lost an average of 1.5″ in their waist. I’d heard before you need to jog at least 11 miles a week to lose belly fat. 200 minutes would be more like 20 miles. We don’t want to leave any room for error, so I’m going to shoot for 20 miles But that means I need to get off my arse and go outside at least 4 times a week.

I’m guessing that is not going to happen this coming week. We’ll be in Minnesota for 5 days. If I’m feeling really motivated I *might* jog on the treadmill. But I seriously hate jogging on a treadmill. I’m good for a mile, two at the most, and then I’m bored to tears. I like to run outside because then I can enjoy nature and the changing scenery. Indoors, it seems like all I can focus on is the fact that I’m jogging. And my brain keeps reminding me that I could be sitting around eating chocolate instead.

It’s running journal entry #2!!!

…because I’d feel really bad if there were only one. No, really, I’ve done well this week. Let’s see. Christmas was my tumble. But then Brian and I went for a quick jog friday, about a mile. My knee was pretty stiff the whole way. But Sunday and yesterday I ran to Wilmore Park, around, and back, which is a three mile loop. Yay, me! I’m not as pitifully out of shape as I thought. Now, that isn’t saying I’m in shape. I am still, after all, terribly slow. But I made it the 3 miles without having to walk and without keeling over. In fact I think I could have gone further. It has been really nice weather, which helps. 40s and 50s are much better than 20s. Stress is also a great incentive to go exercise. In other words, I have plenty of incentive these days!

The movers have been here yesterday and today, getting our express shipment and our storage. It has been a very challenging time, getting organized. We have so much crap. It is really ridiculous. We just put all this stuff in storage, and it really makes me wonder if I’m even going to want to see it when we get back. Maybe it will be lost forever….

Really, though, trying to decide what to take, what to store, what will fit in the luggage on the plane, etc. is enough to drive a sane person mad. So, if you aren’t 100% sane to begin with, well, it isn’t looking good. I have a strong suspicion that we will get to Italy and realize we have sent entirely too much stuff. Then what do we do? They can’t even dispose of normal trash there. How do we get rid of 30% of our household goods? Maybe it won’t be so bad. I think we’ll probably continue to filter out the non-necessities as we go. We have another pile of items for craigslist. I’m sure we’ll add to that before it is all said and done.

In the meantime, it should stress me out enough to keep me going out for a jog everyday….