White Orchid Melody Blog

I’m suffering from a bit of existential angst again. Well, I have been for awhile now. I stumbled across a blog today that captures the essence of it quite well. The grace in falling apart talks about how sometimes you just don’t feel happy, even though maybe you think you should. The author describes how the confusion that can come from the feeling of discontent can be a nudge to look inward and really find yourself. Those times when maybe we aren’t so creative or aren’t accomplishing anything can be just the quiet time we need…even though it feels uncomfortable. Inspiration could be simmering there.

And what’s wrong with feeling uncomfortable anyway? Who says you have to be happy all the time? Do you label happy as “good” and sad as “bad”? I do. When I feel sad, I say “what is wrong with me?” When maybe, everything is just right. We are human beings with a whole range of emotions for a reason. The happy, joyous, inspired feelings are not the only ones that are valid and valuable.

We’ve all been told we should be strong and healthy. It doesn’t feel good when we aren’t. We feel vulnerable. I don’t like to feel vulnerable. But that place of vulnerability is where you truly exist. It’s where you aren’t hidden, covered, or distracted. Those messages we get from that place are important. They are clues from your higher self (or God or whatever you want to call it) about what you are here to be (notice I said “to be” not “to do”).

I always feel like I have to be so strong and responsible and driven. It is hard for me to admit when I feel weak and lost. But it is really important to acknowledge those feelings, embrace them even. Sometimes it feels good to fall apart.

Why isn’t everyone happy all the time? I think it is because we are all really bored. The reality with which we have surrounded ourselves is boring. And we are all going crazy. But not in a good way. Granted there are some who are unhappy for other reasons, but I think the general malaise that has infected our world is a symptom of boredom, simply lack of imagination and adventure in day to day life.

It isn’t lack of faith or law or discipline that is killing us. No, we are dying of boredom. We are destroying our world because we have nothing better to do.

Where has our collective imagination gone? Children are so imaginative. They often do not understand the difference between the things they dream up and what everyone else considers real. Eventually, through the diligence of their loving caretakers, they come to understand what is “real” and what is “pretend.” At first, they go along with the game. But usually by the time the child becomes a teenager, he or she realizes that this reality stuff isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Teen angst sets in. The search for identity and all the weirdness that goes with it dominates the person’s life. Then somewhere along the way, one is convinced, once more, that it is time to grow up and be responsible. And that is the beginning of the end.

You are now a responsible adult. Boooorrrring! If you do have any fun it is probably in the form of mindless entertainment to dull the pain of your boring existance. I remember when I started my first job after college. I had never been one to watch much TV. I was too busy in school and we didn’t have cable, so there wasn’t really anything interesting to watch anyway. But now, I was at this job and it seemed like the topic of conversation every morning was the previous evenings TV shows. I felt so left out. I had nothing to talk about with my coworkers. So, I began to conform. Oddly, this was something I’d managed to avoid all throughout high school and college. Everything happens for a reason, though, so I won’t knock it. In reality, that job really helped me open up to other people and figure out how to get along, how to relate, even if it meant discussing TV shows. Unlike in school, you can’t really avoid people you don’t like in the workplace. But even though I can look back and say “lesson learned,” I must also say “boooorrring!”

I find that I’m happiest when I’m using my creative energy in an appropriate fashion, i.e. painting a portrait as opposed to coming up with clever ways to nag my husband. Being creative is key to living a happy life. And there are all sorts of creativity. Ultimately we are all engaged in the creation of our life story; so every minute of every day is creative. But life also needs a little bit of absurdity.

I recently read a book Pronoia (the antidote to Paranoia) which is all about how everyone is all lucy-goosey-the-sky-is-falling bad news all the time. It offers the alternatives to this “pop nihilism.” I’ve been avoiding the news for quite sometime now, and life is better. We don’t have a TV at all, and life is better. I don’t buy magazines or newspapers. So, I don’t have anyone telling me what I should want. I get to decide for myself. It’s pretty amazing. Part of the Pronoia strategy is focusing on the positive and stepping outside the materialism. But there is another part, which is injecting fun into the space that is left. It is about thinking outside the box completely, questioning everything everyone has ever told you, believing everything and nothing at the same time. How long has it been since you played make-believe? Too long, I’m sure. How long has it been since you wore your Halloween costume on a day other than Halloween? Probably not since you were three. But perhaps we’d all be happier if we didn’t take ourselves and each other so seriously.

So, dress up, climb a tree, write a love song, or do all three at once. Feel what it is like to be alive again!

I am grateful for space. What is space?

space: [speys]
–noun
1. the unlimited or incalculably great three-dimensional realm or expanse in which all material objects are located and all events occur.
2. the portion or extent of this in a given instance; extent or room in three dimensions: the space occupied by a body.
3. extent or area in two dimensions; a particular extent of surface: to fill out blank spaces in a document.
4. Fine Arts. a. the designed and structured surface of a picture: In Mondrian’s later work he organized space in highly complex rhythms. b. the illusion of depth on a two-dimensional surface.
5. Outer Space
6. Deep Space
7. a seat, berth, or room on a train, airplane, etc.
8. a place available for a particular purpose: a parking space.
9. linear distance; a particular distance: trees separated by equal spaces.
10. Mathematics. a system of objects with relations between the objects defined.
11. extent, or a particular extent, of time: a space of two hours.
12. an interval of time; a while: After a space he continued his story.
13. an area or interval allowed for or taken by advertising, as in a periodical, on the radio, etc.
14. Music. the interval between two adjacent lines of the staff.
15. an interval or blank area in text: a space between the letters.
16. Printing. one of the blank pieces of metal, less than type-high, used to separate words, sentences, etc.
17. Telegraphy. an interval during the transmitting of a message when the key is not in contact.
18. radio or television broadcast time allowed or available for a program, advertisement, etc.
19. freedom or opportunity to express oneself, resolve a personal difficulty, be alone, etc.; allowance, understanding, or noninterference: Right now, you can help by giving me some space

(from Dictionary.com)

I thought when I looked that up, I’d add a tidy little definition from which to leap into this monologue. Wow! Little did I know space was such a big word! But it is true. There are lots of different kinds of space. But all of the definitions actually fall into the first one. It is the expanse in which all things exist or occur. And it’s good to have around. Sometimes we feel like we need more space. Perhaps our calendar is too full. I was feeling that crowding this morning as I tried to cram too many things into too few hours. I actually don’t like having anything on my calendar if I can avoid it! I generally have no problem keeping my time-space fairly open.

I have also gotten better about clearing mind-space. I used to be a worrier. My favorite quote in college was from the bible…do not worry about tomorrow, today has enough worries of its own. I guess I understood that I was worrying too much, but didn’t do much to stop it for the next several years. But gradually I came to understand the value of clearing some mind-space. When a worry crosses my mind, or even just that anxious feeling, I confront it. Where is this coming from? Then I address whatever the problem is right then, rather than letting it fester. Then I let it go. Completely. And I enjoy some free mind-space. You might be surprised to know that you don’t need to have a constant stream of thoughts running through your head. It is okay to just be blank space for a bit. Try it, you’ll like it. And then you will want more of it. Creativity comes from the blank space, not the crowded, crazy, anxiety ridden space.

This morning I was also thinking about physical space. I was thinking about the fact that my house needs a good cleaning. I need to have a lot of blank space on my schedule before I’m willing to pencil that one in! There are just always a million other things I’d rather do. I suppose I should just embrace the task with a zen-like appreciation. But in my morning’s musing, I was thinking that the less space you have, the less you need to clean. Right now we live in a very big space. Maybe not by typical American standards, but definitely by Italian standards. This cleaning thing is always one of the things that makes me think a smaller home is better. There are other reasons, too, like financial savings. But a big one for me is the upkeep. I think sometimes that we would get rid of a lot more of our crap if we lived in a smaller space. But today, I was thinking that you don’t have to move to a smaller space to get rid of crap.

I’m so careful about protecting my time-space, even my mind-space, but I let things creep into my physical-space. Paperwork, things I buy, things that are given to me, etc. I haven’t been very careful about that. I think a purge is in order. There are things around me that I never touch. Why wait until we are moving into a smaller space and are forced to purge? Why not do it now? There are plenty of people in the world that live without a double lateral file. Why is mine full? Do I really need all of those pieces of paper? Ultimately all those things crowding the physical-space affect the time-space and mind-space.

I don’t think I could ever live a minimalist existence. I enjoy nice things. I enjoy feeling cozy and being surrounded by things I love. But not all the things around me are things I love. I need to be more solicitous in what I allow to enter my physical-space, and also what I allow to stay. I may not be able to stop it from arriving, but I can get rid of it before it makes a home here. I need to protect my space.

It is simplification. It is focusing on what matters. It is being grateful for what you have and not focusing on what you don’t have. Space is a blank canvas…empty space just waiting to inspire. I am grateful for the space I can move through in this world.

It is a beautiful day. Alex and I had a nice run this morning, and then I dropped him off at preschool for the first time in two weeks. I was a little worried that he’d have a meltdown and we’d lose whatever ground we’d gained before. He cried when I took him in, but he got over it. He was playing with play-dough when I got there….I think he might have been eating it. Fortunately it was the homemade flour and water kind, not the fluorescent colored “non-toxic”-yeah-right kind.

On the run this morning, I was admiring the view around Via Panoramica, thinking how lucky I am to be here. Today was the first official day of Marathon training. What a blessing to be training for a marathon in this beautiful place! Every run will be full of beautiful sights. I love trudging up the hill and getting to the lookout for a stretch break. It is amazing that I live here and get to see that every day! What a wonderful blessing!

I guess I didn’t adhere to my schedule very well. To my defense I’ve had a sick child on my hands! But for the back-track-recap:

Saturday I had a great long run. My friend visiting from the states joined me and my local running buddy. He was much faster than us, but kindly stayed with us most of the run. The very last part of the run is a massive hill. I knew I’d be taking it nice and slow so as to make it to the top. So, I told him to go on ahead. “Just keep going up,” I said. “You can’t get lost.” Well, I didn’t think he’d be quite so far ahead. There was a turn off just before the top of the hill. He missed it, of course. So, we got to do a little extra for a total of 8 miles. (We had planned about 6.75) No problem. We have an 8 mile coming up for our first long training run, so now we have a good route!

Later Saturday, Alex came down with a fever. So, he’s not been feeling so hot since then. Yesterday I noticed little blisters on his hands, so we think it is hand-foot-mouth disease courtesy of his new preschool. This means no preschool until he gets better. Hopefully that will be soon. He won’t eat much right now, but has been drinking plenty, so I guess he’s fine.

Yesterday I drove my visitors into downtown Naples so they could catch a ferry to Capri. Then they will spend a few days along the Amalfi coast, which is just gorgeous! Brian and I did a hike out there earlier in the year. Breathtaking views! It was hazy and cloudy yesterday, but the rain came through last night and cleared things up. So, they should have a beautiful bus ride up the coast today.

I was pretty stressed out yesterday. A drive in Naples traffic plus a trip to the commissary plus a sick baby minus my better half equals “ahhhaaggg!” It was one of those days that brings out the negativity about living over here. Most days it is a blessing beyond any I could imagine. But some days I feel the lack of family support, the isolation, the frustration of the culture shock (which never really goes away). I guess managing a sick toddler by myself brought out the worst. I didn’t even have a chance to write my gratitude post, which is probably just as well! Although, I did go for a nice long walk in the late afternoon. I am grateful for the calming-stress-relieving aspect of exercise. I felt much better after our walk. Alex and I went to bed nice and early, and we both got a good night’s sleep. Hopefully he will be better soon (and hopefully I don’t get sick!).

This is the first of my Monday Gratitude posts.

Gratitude is key to happiness. Being grateful for what you have helps you focus on the good things in life, the things that make you feel happy. None of the other stuff really matters.

I don’t know if any of you are Jason Mraz fans, but on his last album there is a song that mentions Cafe Gratitude. This is a real place. Several places actually. The cafes are located in the San Francisco area. You can visit the website here. They have some books, a board game, and a planner, all focused on living with gratitude and abundance. The food at the cafes is all vegan. The owners have an organic farm and much of their produce in the cafes comes from the farm. It is all very cool.

I think there is a global shift occurring. People are seeking. We are no longer content with the idea that the world is a terrible place or that people are all bad, despite what the major news networks would have you believe. I think we all want to believe in each other. Deep down we want to love and be loved. It is really that simple. And I’m grateful.

With the way this morning started I was afraid my gratitude post was going to be a challenge! Alex isn’t aware that the time changed back, so we’re up at 6:30am, which is not my favorite time of day anyway. Then I go to change the sheet/blankets on his bed and he has a total freakout. He kept pulling the blankets back out of the clothes basket. I explained that they were going in the wash. I took him and the clothes downstairs to the laundry room and told him he could help me put them in the wash. Oh, boy. That did not go well. He sat in front of the washer and bawled his little eyes out for the longest. So strange what things are totally fine and then one day completely unacceptable! He was so sad that his blankets were in the washer. Meanwhile I go make coffee, get him some milk, which he refuses to drink, then take a load of clothes upstairs to be hung out later. When I come back downstairs half of my coffee is in the floor and running down the cabinets. I guess I left it within reach and he decided to have a sip. So, I had him help me clean that up. We finally managed to get ready and go to preschool. I tried to leave, he cried, so I stayed awhile. Finally I just had to go. I told the teacher I’d sit outside 15 minutes or so. If it got really bad, she could come get me. He screamed for at least that long, but then she came out and said “he’s eating breakfast, it’s okay.” She told me to go and they’d call if the crying got bad.

Meanwhile one of my friends had showed up to drop off her older child, so we went for a jog together. Alex was fine, I never got a call. So, things worked out after all. I even had time to shower, dry my hair (which takes forever), and write a little bit here. For that I am grateful! I am about to have to go pick him up though, so I will add another post (back to my topic!) during his nap. Ciao!