White Orchid Melody Blog

I believe in the power of manifestation. I believe that we can set our mind to something we want and then “let go.” Some call this prayer, or giving it to God. To some, it is setting your intention and then letting your higher self be your guide. Either way it is something I have found to work in my life, even before I realized what it was.

Several years ago, I wrote in a journal that I wanted to travel and paint and write. At the time I was working 50+ hours a week and that sounded completely impossible. I was too exhausted to paint even on the weekends. And travel? When? during the 10 days off I got each year? That wasn’t the “travel” I was hoping for. I didn’t know how it could possibly work out, just that I wanted it. And maybe because it seemed so impossible, I let it go. Then someone or something else took over and guided me down the path that led to my heart’s desire. At the time I never would have dreamed that the path would include a transatlantic relocation! But it all worked out. And now I have faith in that power of intention.

So, as I think about where I want to go, who I want to be in the future, there are some things that I’m fairly certain I want:

-a more pedestrian/bike oriented lifestyle (not relying on a car for daily travel)
-to simplify our home, paring down excess belongings, so that we can stay in our small(ish) house as our family grows
-to spend more time on what matters: art, reading, family, friends, music, food, and fun! and less time on annoying things like bills, paperwork, errands, and working just for the paycheck
-to nurture relationships with friends and family
-the resources to travel
-to work on my art as both a business and an expanding of my skill and talent
-to have access to healthy food (via farmers’ markets, garden, etc)
-to have more green features in our home

Those are some of the more specific, tangible things. Then there are some other things that are still just big ideas:

-I want to live a life that inspires others. We make the world a better place one day and one choice at a time.
-I want to find a good solution to the dilemma of education my children. I am frustrated by the quality of available schooling options.  I want my kids to learn to love learning, not to just memorize facts for a test.
-I want us to have Financial Freedom–the freedom to do what we love and have enough money to live comfortably. I don’t know what that means yet. I know part of it is reducing expenses. The lower your expenses, the less money you have to earn to pay them.
-I want to nurture my community and make it a better place to live. I want to give back. One idea I have for this is offering free community classes on cheap and healthy home cooking.

Those are my hopes and dreams, my intentions for the coming years. They may shift and change with time, but by understanding what it is I want (even if I have no idea how to get there), I set myself on the right path.

We’ve been in Italy for nearly 3 years now! Hard to believe. It has gone by so quickly. But at the same time, our old life seems a world away.

I’ve learned so much here about slowing down and enjoying life. I don’t think I’ll be the same as I was when I go back to that “old life”. There are a few ideas I hope to bring back with me from our time here in Italy: fresh food, a pedestrian lifestyle, and a more relaxed outlook on life.

The biggest change for me here has been my idea of good food. The food here, both raw staples and cooked meals at restaurants, is simply amazing. It’s fresh. It’s local. It’s delicious. I now love vegetables that I always thought I hated. I’m willing to try many more new things now, because I haven’t experienced many fresh foods that aren’t fabulous sauteed in a little olive oil and garlic. I’ve learned how to cook with fresh ingredients, which were so intimidating before. And my standards are much higher now! I can’t just go back to the states and fall back into processed food and month-old flavorless veggies. Yuck! That’s not to say I won’t indulge in my favorite fast food occasionally. But I’m now accustomed to eating fresh and my body craves fresh. When we get back to St. Louis, I’m going to work harder to find quality local food, and hopefully next summer we’ll have our own garden again! I want to learn to can and preserve food for the winter. I want to be more self-sustaining.

The other thing that has spoiled me here is being able to walk from our house to get basic necessities–fresh fruit and veggies, milk, pharmacy, post office, restaurants. That isn’t going to be quite as easy back home. St. Louis is not known for it’s walkability, though the neighborhood we live in gets a 63/100 on Walkscore. Not too bad for the energetic. We have great parks nearby, an okay grocery store less than a mile away, and several restaurants. The library is just under a mile and a half. There’s a big Target near there too. So, really I can get everything I need in less than 2 miles (each way!). That isn’t exactly close, but it’s doable. We were doing some walking to restaurants, and even to Target before we moved. Now that our habits have changed so much, it will be even easier for us. Our goal is to only use the car for special trips, like stocking up at Trader Joe’s or maybe a weekly trip to the farmers’ market. Brian is planning to bike to work, so we really won’t be using our car much at all. At least, that’s the plan. We had been discussing the possibility of buying a Prius. But when it comes right down to it, we’d be wasting our money. Sure, getting 50+ miles to the gallon would be nice, but if you simplify your life so that you aren’t relying on a car daily, you can save way more money by just not buying as much gas for your regular car. Even factoring in long trips to visit family doesn’t add up to as much as we’d spend on a new (or even used) car.

It’s good to take a step back and ask yourself, “what do I really need?” Life here in Italy is not focused on stuff. It’s about family and community. I will say this is becoming less true with the younger generations, where you see more American style consumption. However, family is still of utmost importance. Sundays are about going to “Mamma’s” and eating for 5 hours. That’s entertainment!

The idea is to relax. Stop going so much. That is what being here has taught me. Driving isn’t easy and tends to be stressful here, so I’m less motivated to get in a car and go somewhere. But that’s a good thing. Without all the running around, I found time to read, paint, and write. I want to preserve that as much as possible when I get back. I don’t want to get caught up in the hamster wheel again. A disclaimer: I tend to be a little anti-social. But when activities are just stressing you out, it’s time to cut back. With small kids on a schedule, you don’t really have a lot of time for running around anyway. Kids need downtime, oh, and adults do too! With downtime, you can do things that add to your real quality of life–spending time with friends and family or making healthy food for your family.

I have a confession to make: I really like being a housewife, a.k.a. Domestic Goddess. Okay, so I don’t like to clean, but other than that. And yes, I need time to paint and write and read (which is what I do instead of cleaning), but I really like being able to stay at home: having the time to make my home a “nest”—a warm inviting place; having the time to cook nutritious meals; being able to watch my son learn and grow. I would be missing out on a lot of these things if I was working full time outside the home. When I worked full time, before my son came along, dinner was a hurried affair. Home from a long day, tired and drained, I wasn’t exactly up for getting creative in the kitchen. I relied heavily on processed foods. Even after I went vegetarian and had to learn to cook more things from scratch, soy-based meat substitutes were frequently on the menu.

After I quit working, I really struggled with the idea of just being a housewife. Even though our quality of life improved with me at home—better food for one thing!—I still felt like I wasn’t making an adequate contribution to our livelihood. I made several attempts at small craft-type businesses, but I was never passionate enough about any of them to get past the initial creative surge. I felt defeated and frustrated, yet at the same time I couldn’t bear the thought of another corporate job. Once we had a baby, my staying home was more “justified”, but still, I couldn’t really let myself go. I couldn’t let myself enjoy it.

I was brought up to be a career woman. From a very young age, I was taught that the most important thing for me to do was to have a career. College was stressed as essential, but really the education was only a means to the career. Perhaps I didn’t show any natural tendencies to nurture, but it wasn’t encouraged either. I don’t remember playing with baby dolls, only full-grown Barbie dolls. I never really had pets to nurture. It was all about growing up and being an independent woman. Parents always want their kids to have a better life than they had, to skip the hardships and enjoy life. And that truly was the spirit behind the lessons. My mom wanted me to have the freedom to choose a life of my own making. She didn’t want me to get tied down to a baby before I was ready.

Unfortunately, the lesson really REALLY sank in. So much so, that I had a hard time enjoying it once I did have a baby. I felt like I wasn’t cut out for being a mom. I definitely had hormonal issues, but looking back now, I think a lot of my depression stemmed from my inability to fall into the situation with grace. I couldn’t let myself go. I couldn’t let myself enjoy something that had been so devalued my whole life. I didn’t see myself as tender and nurturing and I didn’t think it was okay to be that way either. Maybe it was okay for other people, but not for me. Wasn’t I supposed to be doing something more with my life?

Three years later, I am finally realizing this about myself. (Slow learner?) Being in Italy, not being “allowed” to work here, has really let me off the hook. It has allowed me to enjoy staying at home. There is no pressure to be doing something more important because legally, I can’t. I have really figured out what I do and do not like to do with my time. But even here, for the last year or so, I’ve been thinking of how to make one of the things I like to do a career. I could go back to school for a Master’s in Painting and teach, for example. But honestly, I don’t want a career. That is so hard to admit after a lifetime of conditioning, but it’s true. I want freedom and flexibility in my life. If I do teach, I want it to be part time, on my terms. I don’t want to invest a ton of money in a degree and then be a slave to a job to pay back loans. No way, man.

In some ways it is easy to admit that I like being a housewife. After all, it means I get to do whatever I want all the time, right? But then there’s that whole being a mom thing. My husband, my mom, my in-laws, friends and other relatives have all said that I’m a good mom. But I still feel like I’m not cut out for it. I’ve been very resistant to the idea of having another baby because I was so miserable for that first year. But now I wonder how much of that was just my resistance to the situation. Can I own my experience and say “Yes! This is what I want!” and have a more positive experience next time? I actually love being a mom on most days. I love the experience, though, not the label. The label still has negative connotations in my mind. But the day-to-day of playing with my son, watching him learn and grow, is actually pretty awesome. There is a delicate balance, of course. When things become too heavily weighted towards everyone else’s needs, I start to get crazy. But as long as I get some “me time”—painting, reading, writing, running—I do alright. This is true for every other mom I know.

When I think about the future, what appeals to me is having a life full of things I value—time, art, good food, family, friends. Having a career and all the stresses that go with it is not part of that picture. I want a handmade life—one made of all the beautiful pieces that I can assemble together, like a quilt of joy, love, and creativity. It’s not about expecting everything to be perfectly happy all the time. It’s about accepting the challenges as necessary to the whole, feeling the pain so that you can feel the joy, not numbing oneself to the human experience. It can be whatever I want it to be. Each of us has the power to create a beautiful life for ourselves. We can make this life whatever we want it to be. It doesn’t have to fit into anyone else’s idea of a good life. It’s your life. Own it.

My new(ish) tattoo:

We are divine beings seeking the human experience.

It’s all about owning that experience, whatever it is.

I was inspired this morning by a tweet from Tricia of Joyologist:

Whenever I find myself irritated I remember that they or it isn’t irritating me. I am irritating me. I am always in control.

This is really quite profound if you think about it. The barking dog behind your house isn’t annoying you. Your husband not taking out the trash isn’t annoying you. You are annoying you. You are choosing to feel annoyed by things that you could choose to feel differently about. It is easy to say that you deserve to feel annoyed about those things. And maybe that’s true. Maybe your annoyance is totally justified. But do you enjoy feeling annoyed? Is that really how you want to go through life?

Do you want to be annoyed or do you want to be happy? You own your emotions. You are in complete control of how you feel at all times. You can choose to feel differently. You can choose to feel sorry for the dog being tied up all day. You can choose to be amused by the fact that your husband is so absent minded. Feel what you WANT to feel, not what you think someone is making you feel.

“Wow, your hair looks awful today.”

“Have you been binge eating or what? You look really fat.”

“I hope you don’t think you are going to wear a bikini to the beach this summer because that would be embarrassing.”

If your friends or loved ones said any of those things to you, you would probably be pissed off, or at the very least you wouldn’t want to be around them much. Yet we say similar things to ourselves all the time (well, I do anyway, and I imagine some of you do, too). Why do we beat ourselves up like this? There are lots of reasons, not the least of which is the social messages we see every day that say those same things to us. We’re never good enough when we compare ourselves with airbrushed models. We know this, intellectually, yet we still give ourselves over to the self-hate.

A while back, I was thinking of a hurtful comment made years ago by someone close to me. The person didn’t mean to hurt me, but the comment was not exactly supportive. Thinking of it years later, I still felt hurt. And I realized suddenly that I was angry with someone else for saying something negative about the way I look, but I say things like that to myself all the time.

So, shouldn’t I feel just as hurt and outraged when that voice in my head starts up with the insults? And worse yet, that voice is not just some other person over whom I’ve no control. I own that voice, and ultimately I can control what it has to say. I can CHOOSE to be either supportive or detrimental to my own mental health. I’ve been choosing to be mean to myself. How stupid.

So, now when those negative thoughts creep in, I say to myself, “no one talks to me that way! I am beautiful, strong, healthy, creative, _____” etc, fill in the blank.

Beating up on myself mentally never helps me to improve anything about myself. It discourages me, if anything. Self-loathing is no ticket to self-improvement. Self-love, on the other hand, can create a whole new person. Why would anyone take care of something they hate? But if it’s something you love, of course you want to take care of it. So, love yourself, take care of yourself, remind yourself daily of all the wonderful things that make you who you are. And remind that inner mean-girl that if she doesn’t have anything nice to say, she shouldn’t say anything at all.

What really matters in life anyway? What is it that you’ll be so glad you did when you are on your deathbed? It most likely isn’t your job. Unless your job is doing something for which you have a true passion, but that is very rare. I think we all want to feel like we’ve contributed to the world in whatever way we best could. For some people that’s as simple as being a good mom (I said simple, not easy!). For others it’s advocating for the rights of those less fortunate.

Several months ago, I read The Art of Non-Conformity. It’s a great book about living life outside the rat race. Want to go back to school? Try his plan for a one-year independent study MBA, and save yourself a boatload of money. One of the things he brings up in the book, though, is that in order to really be fulfilled, you must find a way to give back to the world. We all want that feeling of having made a difference.

I’m not yet sure what that means for me. I have some long-term ideas about how I can make a difference by helping to motivate others to pursue their creative dreams. But the details of how to actually do that are still fuzzy. I’ve been of the mind recently that grad school is the way to go. If I get an MFA, I can teach. I really enjoyed the teaching I did before Alex was born, but do I want to do that full time? As far as jobs go, academia is pretty awesome. Summers off, anyone??? But one thing I know is that I’m not comfortable going into debt in order to get that degree. I value financial freedom more than any further education.

I fall into the trap of thinking, oh if I could just get that advanced degree then I could have a job I liked and make enough money to get by. But is all that really, truly, necessary? Or is it just an excuse to take the easy route? Degrees and jobs and career paths are the way things are done around here. It is a life script that we are all familiar with; it’s comfortable. To think of the alternatives is scary! No job? How will I survive? (Yes, I do have a husband, but the goal is for him to do what he loves, too!)

Our goal is to both be living our passion on a daily basis. And since we are two pretty headstrong people, our passion doesn’t involve taking direction from any one else. Not that we can’t. We’re both good at playing along with the corporate racket, but at the same time it kills one’s soul a little bit more every day. I know I could never have a corporate job again. Maybe I could handle academia. But do I really want that? Or do I want to have my days to myself and decide what I’d like to spend my time doing moment to moment?

Well, when you put it like that….

Another great book we read is Your Money or Your Life. The authors write about some unconventional approaches to work/life balance, with the general idea being to reduce your spending to the point of not needing to work as much. We’ve read other simple living books that espouse the same principles. And with that knowledge we have simplified our lives. We don’t buy so much useless crap. We choose quality products that will last a long time rather than what’s cheapest (this is also good for the planet, by the way). We aren’t perfect, and we definitely aren’t what you’d call thrifty, but most of our purchases are thoughtful at the very least. And we’ve come a long way from where we were when we first got married.

When I think about what I love to do, it’s obviously painting and writing. It’s not teaching. So why would teaching be my full time job when what I actually want to spend time doing is painting and writing? Teaching is something I enjoy, but it is secondary to painting and writing. So, it would make more sense for that to be the part time endeavor, rather than the other way around. So then, what is the degree actually worth? Education is always valuable. But you don’t have to always pay a lot for it. I had a full tuition scholarship for my undergraduate degree and I still walked away with a ridiculous amount of student loans for supplies, books, and living expenses. Having only recently paid all those off, I’m not too eager to get back into debt. It goes against our larger goal of financial freedom.

In a perfect world, we’d both be able to read, write, and create as much as we want. Our home would be paid for; our other expenses would be minimal; we could easily make enough money to pay for what we needed. We could grow some of our own food (well, Brian could anyway. I like the idea of gardens much more than the reality!). The simple life really appeals to me.

I went back to the states for a visit before Christmas. While there, I went to visit a friend who is living with her grandmother for awhile. Her grandmother is about 80, I think, and she is a prolific painter. When I walked into the garage from the driveway, I had to stop and stare. All the walls were lined with paintings. It was amazing. And there in the corner was her little studio. I talked to her about her paintings, naturally. I asked her if she ever sold them.

“No,” she said. “I don’t want to deal with that. I don’t want someone judging my work and saying it’s not good enough. It’s good enough for me. That’s what matters.”

I love her attitude. I don’t think you can ever really create something great for any reason other than because it is what your soul demands that you do. I’m not sure where I’m going with that other than to say that I wonder how much of my desire to get a degree is just my ego. I wonder if I’d be just as happy to paint and write, no matter what anyone else though of my work. Is it enough to just create? If you take away the financial pressure, is it enough to just create whatever your soul demands?

You were born free. (The more you try to earn your freedom, the more trapped you become.)

-Danielle LaPorte

Go read the rest of the post here.

Freedom. This is something I’ve been pondering over for quite some time. Approaching 30, I began to feel trapped by certain aspects of my life, like I wasn’t free to do certain things I want to do with my life for a multitude of reasons.

So when I read that quote this morning, it resounded with me. It resounded with truth. However, I think it goes deeper than that.

Yes, we are born free. But what part of us is free, exactly? I ask that because most of us don’t really feel all that free. Are children free? I wouldn’t say so. They are subject to the rules and whims of their parents. They are not free to do what is best for them. Granted, they don’t always know as a child what is best for them. But still, the point is that children aren’t free. So, then, are we really born free?

As you grow into an adult, you generally have an idea about things that you must do. Some lists might include things like: go to college, get a job, get married. If we were free, we would believe that all of those things were options, but that not doing those things were equally viable options. We would always feel the freedom to choose.

Based on those two examples, I don’t think a feeling of freedom is inherent in most people. It must be developed as we self-actualize. As we get in touch with who we really are at the soul level, then we begin to understand that feeling of freedom. You realize that security and freedom are found inside yourself; they are never determined by external factors.

The quote inspired me because it reminded me that freedom is mine without me needing to earn it. All I need to do is remember that it is mine. To experience anything, you must be that thing you wish to experience. You can’t view expressions of self as future goals, you must own it now.

I am free. I am free to make whatever choices are best for me at every moment in time. I am free to want whatever it is that I want and not constantly question or deny myself. Only when I allow myself the freedom to want what I want do I have the power to get it.

It is a very powerful thing to free yourself from yourself. You are the only one who can ever hold yourself captive. So let go. Feel what it means to be free. Know that your soul has no bounds. And then the world is yours for the taking.

XXX sounds so much nicer than 30 when it comes to a birthday. But alas, here I am, a new member of the thirtysomething club. I’m okay with it, though. I certainly wouldn’t trade it for 20 again, even with the wrinkle free skin and flat tummy. The wisdom, grace, and self awareness I’ve gained are worth far more than that.

I sent my 20s out with a bang last Saturday night! We had a great party at our house, wrapped up nicely with champagne and fireworks!!!

I love throwing a good party. It is a lot of work, but I enjoy it (once or twice a year anyway). The theme for my party was “30 is Hot!” So, I made spicy mexican inspired dishes and both red and white sangria. I’ll be posting the recipes for everything here next week. In the meantime, have a look at some photos of the fun!

cute dress, awesome pink shoes!

pretty party decor

getting the house ready for the party

gotta keep everyone hydrated!

Yummy refried beans, rice, and veggies

chips, salsa, quesadillas, and empanadas

Everything is ready!

Happy Birthday to Me! (only 3 candles, not 30!)

Me and my darling husband, who did so much to make my birthday perfect!

A few of our more interesting guests

I have a rather significant birthday coming up next weekend. Yes, I will be celebrating the 30th anniversary of my incarnation in this present form. As Jim Morrison said, “this is the strangest life I’ve ever known.” Am I where I thought I’d be at 30? Yes and No.

I had a life plan in my head before I graduated high school. Nothing too specific, as I had no clue what I really wanted to be when I grew up (and still don’t). But it went something like this: go to college, get a great job and climb the corporate ladder, get married at 22, have a kid at 27.

Those were my “supposed to’s”–those things I thought I had to do to have a good life. I’ve done them and they have contributed to a life I enjoy (all except that whole job thing). But they aren’t everything. Those things are only a small part of who I am. I didn’t really know who I was back then, so filling in the space around those significant events would have been impossible.

Approaching 30, I know a little bit more about who I am, and who I am not. I’m healthier (much better diet, much more exercise), more self aware; I’m more “me” and happier with myself than I was 10 years ago. That is a good feeling. But I’m still trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do with my time outside of my family. Alex is 2 1/2. He occupies the majority of my time right now. But that won’t always be the case. I’m starting to think about what I want for the future. Where do I want to be 10 years from now?

I’ll be turning 40. Alex will almost be a teenager (eek!). I have this idea that I’d like to teach during the spring and fall and travel during the summer. I have a horrible case of wanderlust, but at the same time I’m a total homebody. I love having my space and my favorite things around me. Travel is fun, but exhausting. The cool thing about living in Italy has been getting to know a local culture more slowly. I would love to choose one new place every summer to spend a couple months. And then be able to go back home to my nest. Maybe I’ll write a book or publish an anthology of poetry. I will still be making art of course, and (hopefully) exhibiting regularly.

I’m launching my painting website soon. (more about that later!) It is a great starting point. I love doing portraits, and I’m still amazed that I’m getting paid to do it. It has given me confidence that one can actually make a living creating art. (This is something society doesn’t advertise…”starving artist” anyone?) I’m just now coming to terms with the fact that I can let myself go after my big dreams. I can embrace my talents and move confidently towards success with the knowledge that even failure is a success because at least I’m trying. I’m not taking “no” for an answer. I’m not giving up on my dreams because they are “unrealistic.”

But at the same time it’s a giant leap into the unknown. When I trained for a career in fashion, and played by the rules at my corporate job, there was a clear script to follow. You do ABC; you get XYZ. Same thing with the family life. I was following a definite life script–a pattern that was tried and true. But I didn’t find contentment along those paths. Ultimately we have to write our own script for this screenplay called Life. In order to be truly fulfilled, we have to actually experience life. This often calls for improvisation. So, even though I can sort of make out a fuzzy impression of what I want my life to be like in 10 years, I know that if I’m truly living my life to the fullest, it will be above and beyond anything I can imagine.

So here’s to loving life at 30 and looking forward to a kick-ass decade to come!

A friend of mine recently shared this article, which is a discussion among 20-somethings about the original article, entitled “What Is It About 20-Somethings?”, which is about the current phenomenon of “late blooming” among said 20-somethings. Now, go read the original article. Then, come back here and read my thoughts (if you’d like).

Here is an excerpt from the original article: 

Just as adolescence has its particular psychological profile, Arnett says, so does emerging adulthood: identity exploration, instability, self-focus, feeling in-between and a rather poetic characteristic he calls “a sense of possibilities.” A few of these, especially identity exploration, are part of adolescence too, but they take on new depth and urgency in the 20s. The stakes are higher when people are approaching the age when options tend to close off and lifelong commitments must be made. Arnett calls it “the age 30 deadline.” 

My first thought on reading that was that the psychological profile sounds like me. And that I really don’t think it is going to magically dissipate at age 30 (which is in less than a month, eek!). But what is interesting is that I’ve already achieved all of the supposed milestones that are stressing out my fellow 20-somethings. And yet I still feel that way. Why is that? Well, I think it’s that “lifelong commitments must be made” part that I refuse to buy into. I believe that exploring your identity, having some degree of self-focus (and therefore self-improvement) is really a lifelong process. I certainly hope that is not something reserved only for young adults. (Although that thinking could be what’s wrong with the world today, a bunch of people refusing to change and grow. Hmmm.) The same is true for that feeling of “possibilites.” Shouldn’t you always be excited for the possibilities before you? If you aren’t, then what are you doing exactly? Change is the only constant, so we cannot assume that we reach some magical place where everything is perfect and then just maintain. That doesn’t happen. Ever. You are growing or you are shrinking; which would you prefer? I’d much prefer to be excited about the possibilities. 

The article goes on to discuss this period of “emerging adulthood” as something that may or may not be essential to developing into a fully actualized adult. The author shares another quote from some of the research on this: 

[Arnett] writes in “Emerging Adulthood“, “…emerging adults develop skills for daily living, gain a better understanding of who they are and what they want from life and begin to build a foundation for their adult lives.” 

So what happens when you skip that time of confusion and just dive right into adult responsibilities? According to the author: 

When people are forced to adopt adult responsibilities early, maybe they just do what they have to do, whether or not their brains are ready. Maybe it’s only now, when young people are allowed to forestall adult obligations without fear of public censure, that the rate of societal maturation can finally fall into better sync with the maturation of the brain. 

Hmmm. Is that my problem? I’ve had a sense for awhile now that I was just going through the motions in life up until this past year. I did all the things I was supposed to do: worked hard in high school to get a scholarship to college, worked hard in college to get a great job after, worked hard at my job to get a promotion, found a great man to marry, got the great house, 401k, all the trappings, had a baby. Yep, I’ve got it all. But wait, it wasn’t the magic happiness formula! Personally I’m grateful that I tried all those things early and found out it wasn’t what I needed in life. How disillusioned would I have been if I’d not figured that out until I was 45? So, in some ways it’s unfortunate that I didn’t have the chance to just drift and be confused and “find myself”. But on the other hand, I’ve had a lot more information to input into the “finding myself” equation. I may not have figured out exactly what does work, but I’ve figured out a few things that don’t. That’s what life is, after all: a learn as you go affair. Though I may be more drifting and confused than a 30 year old should be, I’m committed to making it a lifelong process. I don’t have any magic date in my mind for attaining perfection. To me, attaining perfection is dying: what else is there to live for? I want to always be drifting and confused, at least a little bit. At least then I’ll know I’m growing and changing and becoming a better version of me each and every day.