White Orchid Melody Blog

I believe in the power of manifestation. I believe that we can set our mind to something we want and then “let go.” Some call this prayer, or giving it to God. To some, it is setting your intention and then letting your higher self be your guide. Either way it is something I have found to work in my life, even before I realized what it was.

Several years ago, I wrote in a journal that I wanted to travel and paint and write. At the time I was working 50+ hours a week and that sounded completely impossible. I was too exhausted to paint even on the weekends. And travel? When? during the 10 days off I got each year? That wasn’t the “travel” I was hoping for. I didn’t know how it could possibly work out, just that I wanted it. And maybe because it seemed so impossible, I let it go. Then someone or something else took over and guided me down the path that led to my heart’s desire. At the time I never would have dreamed that the path would include a transatlantic relocation! But it all worked out. And now I have faith in that power of intention.

So, as I think about where I want to go, who I want to be in the future, there are some things that I’m fairly certain I want:

-a more pedestrian/bike oriented lifestyle (not relying on a car for daily travel)
-to simplify our home, paring down excess belongings, so that we can stay in our small(ish) house as our family grows
-to spend more time on what matters: art, reading, family, friends, music, food, and fun! and less time on annoying things like bills, paperwork, errands, and working just for the paycheck
-to nurture relationships with friends and family
-the resources to travel
-to work on my art as both a business and an expanding of my skill and talent
-to have access to healthy food (via farmers’ markets, garden, etc)
-to have more green features in our home

Those are some of the more specific, tangible things. Then there are some other things that are still just big ideas:

-I want to live a life that inspires others. We make the world a better place one day and one choice at a time.
-I want to find a good solution to the dilemma of education my children. I am frustrated by the quality of available schooling options.  I want my kids to learn to love learning, not to just memorize facts for a test.
-I want us to have Financial Freedom–the freedom to do what we love and have enough money to live comfortably. I don’t know what that means yet. I know part of it is reducing expenses. The lower your expenses, the less money you have to earn to pay them.
-I want to nurture my community and make it a better place to live. I want to give back. One idea I have for this is offering free community classes on cheap and healthy home cooking.

Those are my hopes and dreams, my intentions for the coming years. They may shift and change with time, but by understanding what it is I want (even if I have no idea how to get there), I set myself on the right path.

We’ve been in Italy for nearly 3 years now! Hard to believe. It has gone by so quickly. But at the same time, our old life seems a world away.

I’ve learned so much here about slowing down and enjoying life. I don’t think I’ll be the same as I was when I go back to that “old life”. There are a few ideas I hope to bring back with me from our time here in Italy: fresh food, a pedestrian lifestyle, and a more relaxed outlook on life.

The biggest change for me here has been my idea of good food. The food here, both raw staples and cooked meals at restaurants, is simply amazing. It’s fresh. It’s local. It’s delicious. I now love vegetables that I always thought I hated. I’m willing to try many more new things now, because I haven’t experienced many fresh foods that aren’t fabulous sauteed in a little olive oil and garlic. I’ve learned how to cook with fresh ingredients, which were so intimidating before. And my standards are much higher now! I can’t just go back to the states and fall back into processed food and month-old flavorless veggies. Yuck! That’s not to say I won’t indulge in my favorite fast food occasionally. But I’m now accustomed to eating fresh and my body craves fresh. When we get back to St. Louis, I’m going to work harder to find quality local food, and hopefully next summer we’ll have our own garden again! I want to learn to can and preserve food for the winter. I want to be more self-sustaining.

The other thing that has spoiled me here is being able to walk from our house to get basic necessities–fresh fruit and veggies, milk, pharmacy, post office, restaurants. That isn’t going to be quite as easy back home. St. Louis is not known for it’s walkability, though the neighborhood we live in gets a 63/100 on Walkscore. Not too bad for the energetic. We have great parks nearby, an okay grocery store less than a mile away, and several restaurants. The library is just under a mile and a half. There’s a big Target near there too. So, really I can get everything I need in less than 2 miles (each way!). That isn’t exactly close, but it’s doable. We were doing some walking to restaurants, and even to Target before we moved. Now that our habits have changed so much, it will be even easier for us. Our goal is to only use the car for special trips, like stocking up at Trader Joe’s or maybe a weekly trip to the farmers’ market. Brian is planning to bike to work, so we really won’t be using our car much at all. At least, that’s the plan. We had been discussing the possibility of buying a Prius. But when it comes right down to it, we’d be wasting our money. Sure, getting 50+ miles to the gallon would be nice, but if you simplify your life so that you aren’t relying on a car daily, you can save way more money by just not buying as much gas for your regular car. Even factoring in long trips to visit family doesn’t add up to as much as we’d spend on a new (or even used) car.

It’s good to take a step back and ask yourself, “what do I really need?” Life here in Italy is not focused on stuff. It’s about family and community. I will say this is becoming less true with the younger generations, where you see more American style consumption. However, family is still of utmost importance. Sundays are about going to “Mamma’s” and eating for 5 hours. That’s entertainment!

The idea is to relax. Stop going so much. That is what being here has taught me. Driving isn’t easy and tends to be stressful here, so I’m less motivated to get in a car and go somewhere. But that’s a good thing. Without all the running around, I found time to read, paint, and write. I want to preserve that as much as possible when I get back. I don’t want to get caught up in the hamster wheel again. A disclaimer: I tend to be a little anti-social. But when activities are just stressing you out, it’s time to cut back. With small kids on a schedule, you don’t really have a lot of time for running around anyway. Kids need downtime, oh, and adults do too! With downtime, you can do things that add to your real quality of life–spending time with friends and family or making healthy food for your family.

What really matters in life anyway? What is it that you’ll be so glad you did when you are on your deathbed? It most likely isn’t your job. Unless your job is doing something for which you have a true passion, but that is very rare. I think we all want to feel like we’ve contributed to the world in whatever way we best could. For some people that’s as simple as being a good mom (I said simple, not easy!). For others it’s advocating for the rights of those less fortunate.

Several months ago, I read The Art of Non-Conformity. It’s a great book about living life outside the rat race. Want to go back to school? Try his plan for a one-year independent study MBA, and save yourself a boatload of money. One of the things he brings up in the book, though, is that in order to really be fulfilled, you must find a way to give back to the world. We all want that feeling of having made a difference.

I’m not yet sure what that means for me. I have some long-term ideas about how I can make a difference by helping to motivate others to pursue their creative dreams. But the details of how to actually do that are still fuzzy. I’ve been of the mind recently that grad school is the way to go. If I get an MFA, I can teach. I really enjoyed the teaching I did before Alex was born, but do I want to do that full time? As far as jobs go, academia is pretty awesome. Summers off, anyone??? But one thing I know is that I’m not comfortable going into debt in order to get that degree. I value financial freedom more than any further education.

I fall into the trap of thinking, oh if I could just get that advanced degree then I could have a job I liked and make enough money to get by. But is all that really, truly, necessary? Or is it just an excuse to take the easy route? Degrees and jobs and career paths are the way things are done around here. It is a life script that we are all familiar with; it’s comfortable. To think of the alternatives is scary! No job? How will I survive? (Yes, I do have a husband, but the goal is for him to do what he loves, too!)

Our goal is to both be living our passion on a daily basis. And since we are two pretty headstrong people, our passion doesn’t involve taking direction from any one else. Not that we can’t. We’re both good at playing along with the corporate racket, but at the same time it kills one’s soul a little bit more every day. I know I could never have a corporate job again. Maybe I could handle academia. But do I really want that? Or do I want to have my days to myself and decide what I’d like to spend my time doing moment to moment?

Well, when you put it like that….

Another great book we read is Your Money or Your Life. The authors write about some unconventional approaches to work/life balance, with the general idea being to reduce your spending to the point of not needing to work as much. We’ve read other simple living books that espouse the same principles. And with that knowledge we have simplified our lives. We don’t buy so much useless crap. We choose quality products that will last a long time rather than what’s cheapest (this is also good for the planet, by the way). We aren’t perfect, and we definitely aren’t what you’d call thrifty, but most of our purchases are thoughtful at the very least. And we’ve come a long way from where we were when we first got married.

When I think about what I love to do, it’s obviously painting and writing. It’s not teaching. So why would teaching be my full time job when what I actually want to spend time doing is painting and writing? Teaching is something I enjoy, but it is secondary to painting and writing. So, it would make more sense for that to be the part time endeavor, rather than the other way around. So then, what is the degree actually worth? Education is always valuable. But you don’t have to always pay a lot for it. I had a full tuition scholarship for my undergraduate degree and I still walked away with a ridiculous amount of student loans for supplies, books, and living expenses. Having only recently paid all those off, I’m not too eager to get back into debt. It goes against our larger goal of financial freedom.

In a perfect world, we’d both be able to read, write, and create as much as we want. Our home would be paid for; our other expenses would be minimal; we could easily make enough money to pay for what we needed. We could grow some of our own food (well, Brian could anyway. I like the idea of gardens much more than the reality!). The simple life really appeals to me.

I went back to the states for a visit before Christmas. While there, I went to visit a friend who is living with her grandmother for awhile. Her grandmother is about 80, I think, and she is a prolific painter. When I walked into the garage from the driveway, I had to stop and stare. All the walls were lined with paintings. It was amazing. And there in the corner was her little studio. I talked to her about her paintings, naturally. I asked her if she ever sold them.

“No,” she said. “I don’t want to deal with that. I don’t want someone judging my work and saying it’s not good enough. It’s good enough for me. That’s what matters.”

I love her attitude. I don’t think you can ever really create something great for any reason other than because it is what your soul demands that you do. I’m not sure where I’m going with that other than to say that I wonder how much of my desire to get a degree is just my ego. I wonder if I’d be just as happy to paint and write, no matter what anyone else though of my work. Is it enough to just create? If you take away the financial pressure, is it enough to just create whatever your soul demands?

I’ve written here before about life being like a story. There are highs and lows, character development, scenery, supporting characters, etc. I read a book on synchronicitythat talked about how coincidences in life are what makes for interesting “plot development”. A blog I read frequently, Personal Development for Smart People, had a post recently that brought to mind this idea once again. He did a thirty day experiment with living subjectively (very interesting, worth a read). He basically went around pretending that life was all a dream. What he learned from the experiment was that although in that state of mind you could theoretically attract only positive things–the easy life, so to speak–that would get boring fairly quickly. I gave that some thought. We tend to think we want the easy life, all of our problems solved, but then what? If we stop growing, we die. And the way we grow is through overcoming obstacles. My personal viewpoint is that if you don’t take your personal development in your own hands, the universe is going to kick your ass repeatedly. His view is that it is all up to you either way. Which I believe also, at a deeper level.

So do you ever think about the story you are writing with your life? Is your story interesting? Are you proud of your hero or heroine for what he or she is accomplishing and experiencing? If not, how can you change it?

I think my story has been interesting so far. I want it to continue to be interesting. I want to be challenged on a comfortable, but continual basis. I don’t want to spend my time on petty problems. I want bigger, better, more interesting problems. In order for that to happen, I have to continue to simplify my life, to eliminate the clutter (of people, activities, and things). I need to focus on what is important to me and focus my growth and development in those areas. It is easy to flitter your life away on dumb stuff that doesn’t matter. So, ask yourself, “what does this [person, activity, or thing] contribute to my story?” If the answer is nothing, or if the answer is negative, you might want to break out the red ink pen and edit that area of your life.

I have a rather significant birthday coming up next weekend. Yes, I will be celebrating the 30th anniversary of my incarnation in this present form. As Jim Morrison said, “this is the strangest life I’ve ever known.” Am I where I thought I’d be at 30? Yes and No.

I had a life plan in my head before I graduated high school. Nothing too specific, as I had no clue what I really wanted to be when I grew up (and still don’t). But it went something like this: go to college, get a great job and climb the corporate ladder, get married at 22, have a kid at 27.

Those were my “supposed to’s”–those things I thought I had to do to have a good life. I’ve done them and they have contributed to a life I enjoy (all except that whole job thing). But they aren’t everything. Those things are only a small part of who I am. I didn’t really know who I was back then, so filling in the space around those significant events would have been impossible.

Approaching 30, I know a little bit more about who I am, and who I am not. I’m healthier (much better diet, much more exercise), more self aware; I’m more “me” and happier with myself than I was 10 years ago. That is a good feeling. But I’m still trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do with my time outside of my family. Alex is 2 1/2. He occupies the majority of my time right now. But that won’t always be the case. I’m starting to think about what I want for the future. Where do I want to be 10 years from now?

I’ll be turning 40. Alex will almost be a teenager (eek!). I have this idea that I’d like to teach during the spring and fall and travel during the summer. I have a horrible case of wanderlust, but at the same time I’m a total homebody. I love having my space and my favorite things around me. Travel is fun, but exhausting. The cool thing about living in Italy has been getting to know a local culture more slowly. I would love to choose one new place every summer to spend a couple months. And then be able to go back home to my nest. Maybe I’ll write a book or publish an anthology of poetry. I will still be making art of course, and (hopefully) exhibiting regularly.

I’m launching my painting website soon. (more about that later!) It is a great starting point. I love doing portraits, and I’m still amazed that I’m getting paid to do it. It has given me confidence that one can actually make a living creating art. (This is something society doesn’t advertise…”starving artist” anyone?) I’m just now coming to terms with the fact that I can let myself go after my big dreams. I can embrace my talents and move confidently towards success with the knowledge that even failure is a success because at least I’m trying. I’m not taking “no” for an answer. I’m not giving up on my dreams because they are “unrealistic.”

But at the same time it’s a giant leap into the unknown. When I trained for a career in fashion, and played by the rules at my corporate job, there was a clear script to follow. You do ABC; you get XYZ. Same thing with the family life. I was following a definite life script–a pattern that was tried and true. But I didn’t find contentment along those paths. Ultimately we have to write our own script for this screenplay called Life. In order to be truly fulfilled, we have to actually experience life. This often calls for improvisation. So, even though I can sort of make out a fuzzy impression of what I want my life to be like in 10 years, I know that if I’m truly living my life to the fullest, it will be above and beyond anything I can imagine.

So here’s to loving life at 30 and looking forward to a kick-ass decade to come!

Sometimes you just FEEL something. It’s that nagging voice in your head telling you that something you are doing isn’t working, or maybe that you should try something new. Last year, I felt very convicted about Honesty. Not that I’m a liar or anything. But most of us sell out everyday in little ways when we aren’t completely honest with ourselves and others about how we really feel. I started to feel like that wasn’t going to cut it anymore. This denial of my true self was keeping me from growing. I resisted at first, because let’s face it, honesty is HARD. Especially honesty with yourself. Then to open up to those close to you about how you are really feeling can be frightening. Will they think I’ve lost my mind? Will they judge me? Well, maybe. But that isn’t going to change the fact that you are who you are and you feel what you feel. I listened to that feeling and vowed to myself to be totally honest. Opening up to myself and those close to me allowed me to overcome a plateau in thinking, in existing, as well as further develop relationships with others.

So that feeling is here again. Now it is about intuition. I believe in a higher guidance system. I believe those inner feelings are more valid than all the crap my mind spews out about any given situation. But it is still difficult to act on that. I’m feeling this conviction that I need to let my intuition, not my logic, lead the way. But we don’t always feel comfortable with what our intuition is telling us. In fact I’d guess that most times we are uncomfortable with anything that isn’t logic based. I have these grand internal debates, mind verses intuition. My mind will argue with anyone, anytime. And lately it has been exhausting me. A couple days ago, I got the feeling that I just needed to stop. Relax. Open up to the universe, and see what happens. Look for synchronicities, for signs. It is like a state of walking meditation. It makes me think of something I read in an Emerson essay. He wrote about the fact that you can hash something over in your mind only so long, and then you have to let go so the solution can make an appearance. Einstein had a similar approach to problem solving. Sometimes we just have to get out of our own way.

Many new age spirituality gurus espouse living in a state of neutrality–that you should seek contentment rather than joy. Deepak Chopra writes that you should imagine life like a river where the banks are your highs and lows–you don’t want to be crashing back and forth from one bank to another, but rather float near the middle. I see his point, but at the same time we shouldn’t avoid our feelings either. Our capacity for infinite joy and sadness is what makes us human. I think it is an essential part of our experience of life. Further, joy and pain are the emotional clues as to what we should (or shouldn’t) be doing with our lives. Feelings of joy are keys to our passion. Feelings of pain are clues about what to avoid or about parts of us that need healing. Emotions are the signposts for directed action. When we embrace, rather than avoid, our emotional response, we can move through life in a more graceful fashion. Life won’t have to throw huge roadblocks up or knock you off track completely if you are paying attention to the smaller signs along the way… Like this.

I read somewhere that if your dream doesn’t give you the chills, you aren’t dreaming big enough. We’re talking dreams, of course, not the interim goals associated with getting there. Dream big, and then set small, manageable goals for actually getting there.

My big dream is to have a Bed and Breakfast/Artist’s Retreat. I want an old farmhouse on a bit of land where I can build little cabins for art studios. It is funny how this idea has evolved. The Creative Haven started out as an idea for a paint your own pottery studio. I was working with a consultant on the business plan, but it just never seemed to come together, due to time or financial constraints. Then we moved to Italy. Since being here, my idea has expanded. Paint your own pottery studios are cool, but is that my passion? Not so much.

We’ve traveled quite a bit here, staying in various hotels. I’m quick to spot the potential in spaces, and I got really turned on to the idea of creating a well-designed and welcoming Bed and Breakfast. They also have these fabulous agriturismo B&Bs here, where they have essentially a farm and restaurant on site (that is sort of a tangent to my Big Dream, but it is always good to have room to grow).

Being here has given me the time and space to be creative, to paint and write and just slow down. I would love to provide that space for others who may not have that in their daily life. Wouldn’t a week or two away from it all to get down and dirty creative be awesome?!

Big Dreams have to be something that makes your heart sing. For me that is decorating and entertaining, and being surrounded by creative people. And being creative myself, of course. I’m right-brain, left-brain balanced, so the idea of having a creative business really appeals to me.

Big Dreams should also serve the world. What is your contribution to the world today? How are you making an impact? I’m raising my son, which is a big contribution, I’d say. I’m also making art and sharing it with the world. But those are both abstract contributions. I want to offer something more tangible. Offering a Creative Haven to artists would be one way. But I think I can do more.

When I was in high school, I really loved art. But I didn’t see how it was possible to make a living making art. So, I talked myself into starting the environmental science program when I went to college. But when I went to register for classes I realized I wasn’t so excited about all those science classes. I wanted to take drawing! I came to my senses and transferred to the art school. But only after talking to the admissions department about the possibility of gainful employment after 4 years! I was pleasantly surprised to find out that Fashion Design majors were easily employed. But still, the financial factor has been a huge part of my decision making process in pursuing education, career path, etc.

I’m sure you’ve heard it asked, “What would you do if money was no object?” Your reply is supposedly your passion and what you should be pursuing. But it is very difficult to actually do that. Most of us live constrained by fear and practicality. Not many people are going around encouraging young people to pursue their dreams. Mostly the message is to grow up and be responsible. Conform.

With the Creative Haven, I’d like to change that. I’d like to use proceeds from the B&B to offer scholarships for young people interested in pursuing the arts. I’d also like to be a voice that says, “Follow your passion! You’ll never find happiness if you don’t!” Maybe I’ll offer summer art camps full of motivational pep talks I’d like to make a difference.

So how do you get your Big Dream to be your big reality? Small goals. It’s a delicate balance. Sometimes we make excuses for having what we really want by creating distance between ourselves and our goals. We say, “I want Z, but first I have to do A through Y.” It can be overwhelming. I think meditation can be useful here as a way to get in touch with your goals without worrying about how it will happen. Sometimes just setting the intention is half the battle. And then sometimes you’ll get a feeling for what the flow might be.

For me and my Big Dream, I don’t have any concrete steps. In fact I could probably do it tomorrow if that’s what I wanted. But I have a sense that things will flow a different way. I’m open to whatever path will take me there. Here’s what I think it might look like:

First, I’m planning to go back to school for my Master of Fine Arts degree. I really enjoyed my time teaching Fashion Illustration at Wash U, and I’d like to teach in the future. And spending a couple of years honing my painting skills and more fully developing my critical analysis would be good for me. What does that have to do with Creative Haven? Well, teaching will probably help me earn more money than selling paintings alone (even though teachers don’t make very much!).

I’m also not ready to settle down in one spot just yet. I’ll be moving somewhere for school, then somewhere to teach, and then maybe other places, and traveling all the while, of course. Hopefully along the way I’ll meet lots of artists who will one day come to my retreats! We all know the power of networking. But when the time is right, I’ll feel it. I’ll keep close to my love, and my passion, not fear, will guide me.

And of course, I reserve the right to completely change my mind about all of this and take some path of which I cannot yet even conceive. I’ll leave you with this quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson’s essay “Self Reliance”:

“With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall. Speak what you think now in hard words and tomorrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said today.–’Ah, so you shall be sure to be misunderstood.’–Is it so bad then to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood.”

I’m suffering from a bit of existential angst again. Well, I have been for awhile now. I stumbled across a blog today that captures the essence of it quite well. The grace in falling apart talks about how sometimes you just don’t feel happy, even though maybe you think you should. The author describes how the confusion that can come from the feeling of discontent can be a nudge to look inward and really find yourself. Those times when maybe we aren’t so creative or aren’t accomplishing anything can be just the quiet time we need…even though it feels uncomfortable. Inspiration could be simmering there.

And what’s wrong with feeling uncomfortable anyway? Who says you have to be happy all the time? Do you label happy as “good” and sad as “bad”? I do. When I feel sad, I say “what is wrong with me?” When maybe, everything is just right. We are human beings with a whole range of emotions for a reason. The happy, joyous, inspired feelings are not the only ones that are valid and valuable.

We’ve all been told we should be strong and healthy. It doesn’t feel good when we aren’t. We feel vulnerable. I don’t like to feel vulnerable. But that place of vulnerability is where you truly exist. It’s where you aren’t hidden, covered, or distracted. Those messages we get from that place are important. They are clues from your higher self (or God or whatever you want to call it) about what you are here to be (notice I said “to be” not “to do”).

I always feel like I have to be so strong and responsible and driven. It is hard for me to admit when I feel weak and lost. But it is really important to acknowledge those feelings, embrace them even. Sometimes it feels good to fall apart.

I was rather disappointed in myself for not being successful at the 21-day vegan kickstart at the beginning of the year. I wasn’t TOO hung up on it. I really do like pizza, cappuccino, and chocolate cake. But at the same time, I have been feeling like I would be healthier if I moved closer to a vegan diet. So, I’m going to try a month worth of vegan dinners. I already have a lot of vegan meals on my “go-to” list of recipes. But I spent the day searching for appetizing vegan recipes so that I’d have at least a month’s worth.

When I first went vegetarian, I pretty  much went cold turkey. That worked out okay as there were already vegetarian recipes I enjoyed and I figured out the rest as I went along. But this vegan thing is a bit more challenging for me. So, I’m preparing myself with a good solid plan. I’m not going cold turkey this time. I’m starting just with dinner meals, and if I can handle that I’ll start working on that pesky cappuccino problem. And this isn’t to say I won’t ever eat cheese or have a cappuccino again. Just as I still occasionally eat meat, I will occasionally eat dairy. But hopefully it will not be a daily requirement for me any longer. And I’ll probably enjoy it more when I do have it!