White Orchid Melody Blog

I believe in the power of manifestation. I believe that we can set our mind to something we want and then “let go.” Some call this prayer, or giving it to God. To some, it is setting your intention and then letting your higher self be your guide. Either way it is something I have found to work in my life, even before I realized what it was.

Several years ago, I wrote in a journal that I wanted to travel and paint and write. At the time I was working 50+ hours a week and that sounded completely impossible. I was too exhausted to paint even on the weekends. And travel? When? during the 10 days off I got each year? That wasn’t the “travel” I was hoping for. I didn’t know how it could possibly work out, just that I wanted it. And maybe because it seemed so impossible, I let it go. Then someone or something else took over and guided me down the path that led to my heart’s desire. At the time I never would have dreamed that the path would include a transatlantic relocation! But it all worked out. And now I have faith in that power of intention.

So, as I think about where I want to go, who I want to be in the future, there are some things that I’m fairly certain I want:

-a more pedestrian/bike oriented lifestyle (not relying on a car for daily travel)
-to simplify our home, paring down excess belongings, so that we can stay in our small(ish) house as our family grows
-to spend more time on what matters: art, reading, family, friends, music, food, and fun! and less time on annoying things like bills, paperwork, errands, and working just for the paycheck
-to nurture relationships with friends and family
-the resources to travel
-to work on my art as both a business and an expanding of my skill and talent
-to have access to healthy food (via farmers’ markets, garden, etc)
-to have more green features in our home

Those are some of the more specific, tangible things. Then there are some other things that are still just big ideas:

-I want to live a life that inspires others. We make the world a better place one day and one choice at a time.
-I want to find a good solution to the dilemma of education my children. I am frustrated by the quality of available schooling options.  I want my kids to learn to love learning, not to just memorize facts for a test.
-I want us to have Financial Freedom–the freedom to do what we love and have enough money to live comfortably. I don’t know what that means yet. I know part of it is reducing expenses. The lower your expenses, the less money you have to earn to pay them.
-I want to nurture my community and make it a better place to live. I want to give back. One idea I have for this is offering free community classes on cheap and healthy home cooking.

Those are my hopes and dreams, my intentions for the coming years. They may shift and change with time, but by understanding what it is I want (even if I have no idea how to get there), I set myself on the right path.

Today was tough, though not necessarily because of the cleanse. I woke up in the middle of the night last night with my allergies flaring up. My mouth and ears were itching like crazy, so I got up and took some benadryl. Well, I guess it was nearly 5am then because when my 3 year old came in with a big “GOODMORNING!!!” at 6:15am, I could hardly open my eyes. I begged for mercy, but no luck. I tried to convince him to let me sleep for awhile longer, but it’s hard to convince a 3 year old who is so excited about life and NEVER tired that you are still tired and want to sleep. So, in my sleep deprived state I wanted a big cappuccino (or three) and a chocolate chip raspberry muffin. I drank my green smoothie instead.

I did have a cup of black tea later, which perked me up a bit. Then for lunch, red bean and vegetable curry with a bit of rice. And tonight for dinner we had a big salad and some fresh corn. Interesting thing about the corn. I specifically asked at the market if it was sweet corn– “mais dolce”.  He said yes, but apparently he and I have differing definitions of sweet. It was really starchy, so I fried it up like my grandma used to fry up field corn (minus the crisco!).

As much as I have loved living in Italy, the charm is starting to wear off. We said goodbye tonight to some friends who are moving back to the states. (oh, and we had a shot of limoncello with them…totally NOT part of the cleanse. oops.) Seeing them all packed up and heading off, I was a little jealous. I’m ready to be back on familiar ground. Of course, there are many things I will miss about Italy. My memories will almost certainly reflect the good things most prominently and the bad things as just quirky and amusing. But, seriously, being able to do more than one load of laundry a day will be awesome!

I have a confession to make: I really like being a housewife, a.k.a. Domestic Goddess. Okay, so I don’t like to clean, but other than that. And yes, I need time to paint and write and read (which is what I do instead of cleaning), but I really like being able to stay at home: having the time to make my home a “nest”—a warm inviting place; having the time to cook nutritious meals; being able to watch my son learn and grow. I would be missing out on a lot of these things if I was working full time outside the home. When I worked full time, before my son came along, dinner was a hurried affair. Home from a long day, tired and drained, I wasn’t exactly up for getting creative in the kitchen. I relied heavily on processed foods. Even after I went vegetarian and had to learn to cook more things from scratch, soy-based meat substitutes were frequently on the menu.

After I quit working, I really struggled with the idea of just being a housewife. Even though our quality of life improved with me at home—better food for one thing!—I still felt like I wasn’t making an adequate contribution to our livelihood. I made several attempts at small craft-type businesses, but I was never passionate enough about any of them to get past the initial creative surge. I felt defeated and frustrated, yet at the same time I couldn’t bear the thought of another corporate job. Once we had a baby, my staying home was more “justified”, but still, I couldn’t really let myself go. I couldn’t let myself enjoy it.

I was brought up to be a career woman. From a very young age, I was taught that the most important thing for me to do was to have a career. College was stressed as essential, but really the education was only a means to the career. Perhaps I didn’t show any natural tendencies to nurture, but it wasn’t encouraged either. I don’t remember playing with baby dolls, only full-grown Barbie dolls. I never really had pets to nurture. It was all about growing up and being an independent woman. Parents always want their kids to have a better life than they had, to skip the hardships and enjoy life. And that truly was the spirit behind the lessons. My mom wanted me to have the freedom to choose a life of my own making. She didn’t want me to get tied down to a baby before I was ready.

Unfortunately, the lesson really REALLY sank in. So much so, that I had a hard time enjoying it once I did have a baby. I felt like I wasn’t cut out for being a mom. I definitely had hormonal issues, but looking back now, I think a lot of my depression stemmed from my inability to fall into the situation with grace. I couldn’t let myself go. I couldn’t let myself enjoy something that had been so devalued my whole life. I didn’t see myself as tender and nurturing and I didn’t think it was okay to be that way either. Maybe it was okay for other people, but not for me. Wasn’t I supposed to be doing something more with my life?

Three years later, I am finally realizing this about myself. (Slow learner?) Being in Italy, not being “allowed” to work here, has really let me off the hook. It has allowed me to enjoy staying at home. There is no pressure to be doing something more important because legally, I can’t. I have really figured out what I do and do not like to do with my time. But even here, for the last year or so, I’ve been thinking of how to make one of the things I like to do a career. I could go back to school for a Master’s in Painting and teach, for example. But honestly, I don’t want a career. That is so hard to admit after a lifetime of conditioning, but it’s true. I want freedom and flexibility in my life. If I do teach, I want it to be part time, on my terms. I don’t want to invest a ton of money in a degree and then be a slave to a job to pay back loans. No way, man.

In some ways it is easy to admit that I like being a housewife. After all, it means I get to do whatever I want all the time, right? But then there’s that whole being a mom thing. My husband, my mom, my in-laws, friends and other relatives have all said that I’m a good mom. But I still feel like I’m not cut out for it. I’ve been very resistant to the idea of having another baby because I was so miserable for that first year. But now I wonder how much of that was just my resistance to the situation. Can I own my experience and say “Yes! This is what I want!” and have a more positive experience next time? I actually love being a mom on most days. I love the experience, though, not the label. The label still has negative connotations in my mind. But the day-to-day of playing with my son, watching him learn and grow, is actually pretty awesome. There is a delicate balance, of course. When things become too heavily weighted towards everyone else’s needs, I start to get crazy. But as long as I get some “me time”—painting, reading, writing, running—I do alright. This is true for every other mom I know.

When I think about the future, what appeals to me is having a life full of things I value—time, art, good food, family, friends. Having a career and all the stresses that go with it is not part of that picture. I want a handmade life—one made of all the beautiful pieces that I can assemble together, like a quilt of joy, love, and creativity. It’s not about expecting everything to be perfectly happy all the time. It’s about accepting the challenges as necessary to the whole, feeling the pain so that you can feel the joy, not numbing oneself to the human experience. It can be whatever I want it to be. Each of us has the power to create a beautiful life for ourselves. We can make this life whatever we want it to be. It doesn’t have to fit into anyone else’s idea of a good life. It’s your life. Own it.

My new(ish) tattoo:

We are divine beings seeking the human experience.

It’s all about owning that experience, whatever it is.

Sometimes we think we are so smart that we can actually advise others. Then the universe says: Oh, yeah? Can you take your own advice?

Like when you’re feeling all grounded and write about how one should be in control of one’s feelings and can choose to feel however one wants. And then you have to cancel all of the next month’s travel plans because of something that you see as total bullshit. Re-frame that, lady!

So, yeah. Here I sit, trying to re-frame my frustration and disappointment, trying to see the big picture, the silver lining. How can I spin it differently?

I make up that this is a universal ass-kicking. The universe is drawing my attention to the fact that I am not living the life that feels right at the core of me. Sure, living overseas and traveling all the time is awesome. But the fact is we’re only at 50% of authentic living. Only one of us (me) is doing what we want on a daily basis. The other one of us works all the time, and that work is pulling him more and more away from our family, and now even away from the travel that is supposedly the big benefit of said work and income. That doesn’t make anyone happy.

I believe that the universe sends you signals all the time. If you pick up on them when they are small little pinches and pokes and make the changes you need to make, then things go pretty smoothly. You suffer internally with making tough decisions based only on your intuition, but outwardly, things flow. However, if you ignore the little pinches, they get more severe. Eventually you get to the ass-kicking level where things aren’t going so well outwardly and it is easier to find that inner resolve. This is where it seems to be going for us.

It is easy to distract yourself from life, from living your truth. So, you have a big dream, but with this job or situation or whatever it is that isn’t your big dream, you can have money or great benefits or whatever. For us the proverbial carrot has been travel. But at what price? So, we get to distract ourselves with beautiful European cities. It’s just entertainment.

Travel can be a very expanding experience. I think EVERYONE should travel. It opens your eyes to the fact that people all over the world do things differently than you and your neighbors. That is a good learning experience. It’s humbling. But when travel becomes something that is keeping you from walking your true path, then it’s just fool’s gold.

It sounds ridiculous to say that we are “settling” for an existence that most people would love to live. But if it isn’t a life that makes our hearts and souls sing, then it is settling, plain and simple. It takes courage to not settle. It takes courage to make the leap, hoping a net will appear. It takes courage to speak, live, own your truth. Will we find the courage? Stay tuned.

Sometimes I feel as though I’m behind the power curve, like it has taken me too long to figure out what I want in life. Shouldn’t I have realized that I wanted to be an artist when Art was my favorite subject in grade school? Now I’m 30 and starting over. Well, technically I’ve been “starting over” for several years now, which is further evidence of this being a very drawn out process. I guess what I’m saying is that I wonder sometimes where I’d be now if I had just acknowledged my true desires much earlier on.

For sanity’s sake, I like to think that it had to be this way. I had to try it “their way” in order to be absolutely certain that’s not what I want. Suppose I’d gone the starving artist route right from the start, would I have had the courage to persevere? Or would I have been tempted by all the comfortable trappings of the path well-traveled?

The fact is that I have no idea what it would have or could have been like. I only know where I am today. Whether I like it or not, it has taken me thirty years to face myself and the world and speak up for what I really truly want. And after all, late is better than never.

What really matters in life anyway? What is it that you’ll be so glad you did when you are on your deathbed? It most likely isn’t your job. Unless your job is doing something for which you have a true passion, but that is very rare. I think we all want to feel like we’ve contributed to the world in whatever way we best could. For some people that’s as simple as being a good mom (I said simple, not easy!). For others it’s advocating for the rights of those less fortunate.

Several months ago, I read The Art of Non-Conformity. It’s a great book about living life outside the rat race. Want to go back to school? Try his plan for a one-year independent study MBA, and save yourself a boatload of money. One of the things he brings up in the book, though, is that in order to really be fulfilled, you must find a way to give back to the world. We all want that feeling of having made a difference.

I’m not yet sure what that means for me. I have some long-term ideas about how I can make a difference by helping to motivate others to pursue their creative dreams. But the details of how to actually do that are still fuzzy. I’ve been of the mind recently that grad school is the way to go. If I get an MFA, I can teach. I really enjoyed the teaching I did before Alex was born, but do I want to do that full time? As far as jobs go, academia is pretty awesome. Summers off, anyone??? But one thing I know is that I’m not comfortable going into debt in order to get that degree. I value financial freedom more than any further education.

I fall into the trap of thinking, oh if I could just get that advanced degree then I could have a job I liked and make enough money to get by. But is all that really, truly, necessary? Or is it just an excuse to take the easy route? Degrees and jobs and career paths are the way things are done around here. It is a life script that we are all familiar with; it’s comfortable. To think of the alternatives is scary! No job? How will I survive? (Yes, I do have a husband, but the goal is for him to do what he loves, too!)

Our goal is to both be living our passion on a daily basis. And since we are two pretty headstrong people, our passion doesn’t involve taking direction from any one else. Not that we can’t. We’re both good at playing along with the corporate racket, but at the same time it kills one’s soul a little bit more every day. I know I could never have a corporate job again. Maybe I could handle academia. But do I really want that? Or do I want to have my days to myself and decide what I’d like to spend my time doing moment to moment?

Well, when you put it like that….

Another great book we read is Your Money or Your Life. The authors write about some unconventional approaches to work/life balance, with the general idea being to reduce your spending to the point of not needing to work as much. We’ve read other simple living books that espouse the same principles. And with that knowledge we have simplified our lives. We don’t buy so much useless crap. We choose quality products that will last a long time rather than what’s cheapest (this is also good for the planet, by the way). We aren’t perfect, and we definitely aren’t what you’d call thrifty, but most of our purchases are thoughtful at the very least. And we’ve come a long way from where we were when we first got married.

When I think about what I love to do, it’s obviously painting and writing. It’s not teaching. So why would teaching be my full time job when what I actually want to spend time doing is painting and writing? Teaching is something I enjoy, but it is secondary to painting and writing. So, it would make more sense for that to be the part time endeavor, rather than the other way around. So then, what is the degree actually worth? Education is always valuable. But you don’t have to always pay a lot for it. I had a full tuition scholarship for my undergraduate degree and I still walked away with a ridiculous amount of student loans for supplies, books, and living expenses. Having only recently paid all those off, I’m not too eager to get back into debt. It goes against our larger goal of financial freedom.

In a perfect world, we’d both be able to read, write, and create as much as we want. Our home would be paid for; our other expenses would be minimal; we could easily make enough money to pay for what we needed. We could grow some of our own food (well, Brian could anyway. I like the idea of gardens much more than the reality!). The simple life really appeals to me.

I went back to the states for a visit before Christmas. While there, I went to visit a friend who is living with her grandmother for awhile. Her grandmother is about 80, I think, and she is a prolific painter. When I walked into the garage from the driveway, I had to stop and stare. All the walls were lined with paintings. It was amazing. And there in the corner was her little studio. I talked to her about her paintings, naturally. I asked her if she ever sold them.

“No,” she said. “I don’t want to deal with that. I don’t want someone judging my work and saying it’s not good enough. It’s good enough for me. That’s what matters.”

I love her attitude. I don’t think you can ever really create something great for any reason other than because it is what your soul demands that you do. I’m not sure where I’m going with that other than to say that I wonder how much of my desire to get a degree is just my ego. I wonder if I’d be just as happy to paint and write, no matter what anyone else though of my work. Is it enough to just create? If you take away the financial pressure, is it enough to just create whatever your soul demands?

On Tuesday, November 30th, I completed National Novel Writing Month with 50,066 words written in 30 days.

I’ve written here before about life being like a story. There are highs and lows, character development, scenery, supporting characters, etc. I read a book on synchronicitythat talked about how coincidences in life are what makes for interesting “plot development”. A blog I read frequently, Personal Development for Smart People, had a post recently that brought to mind this idea once again. He did a thirty day experiment with living subjectively (very interesting, worth a read). He basically went around pretending that life was all a dream. What he learned from the experiment was that although in that state of mind you could theoretically attract only positive things–the easy life, so to speak–that would get boring fairly quickly. I gave that some thought. We tend to think we want the easy life, all of our problems solved, but then what? If we stop growing, we die. And the way we grow is through overcoming obstacles. My personal viewpoint is that if you don’t take your personal development in your own hands, the universe is going to kick your ass repeatedly. His view is that it is all up to you either way. Which I believe also, at a deeper level.

So do you ever think about the story you are writing with your life? Is your story interesting? Are you proud of your hero or heroine for what he or she is accomplishing and experiencing? If not, how can you change it?

I think my story has been interesting so far. I want it to continue to be interesting. I want to be challenged on a comfortable, but continual basis. I don’t want to spend my time on petty problems. I want bigger, better, more interesting problems. In order for that to happen, I have to continue to simplify my life, to eliminate the clutter (of people, activities, and things). I need to focus on what is important to me and focus my growth and development in those areas. It is easy to flitter your life away on dumb stuff that doesn’t matter. So, ask yourself, “what does this [person, activity, or thing] contribute to my story?” If the answer is nothing, or if the answer is negative, you might want to break out the red ink pen and edit that area of your life.

I have always really enjoyed Facebook–catching up with people I haven’t seen in years, keeping family up to date with photos and post–but lately it has been more of a love-hate thing.

One of my life philosophies is that input equals output. For this reason I am very selective about the information I absorb and the people with whom I surround myself. I don’t watch the news and I don’t hang around negative people. But lately my barrier of positive thinking has been breached by people’s posts on Facebook. There was that one about all the natural disasters and how the end was near (really people?). Then there was the fundamentalist atheist hating on everyone who believes in anything but science. Then there were anti-muslim posts around 9-11. Then today some asshole actually said that a woman deserved to be sexually harassed because of how she was dressed. And of course you can’t tell these people that they are being ignorant, intolerant jerks. That just makes them defensive and even more set in their ways. All I can do is hope that one day something happens to make them realize we don’t have live like that, hating each other, living in fear of life. Ultimately that is what all those posts have in common: Fear. They aren’t bad people; they are just scared. And so really I shouldn’t be angry with these people. I should feel sympathy for them. They live in a state of fear. And they will never find happiness there.

I can be understanding and compassionate, but I don’t have to listen to that crap. I know this much about myself: in order to be happy, I have to protect myself from negativity. That shit is infectious. So, my truth is this: I probably needed this stimulus to motivate me to “break up” with Facebook. We can still be friends, just not so seriously involved.

I have a rather significant birthday coming up next weekend. Yes, I will be celebrating the 30th anniversary of my incarnation in this present form. As Jim Morrison said, “this is the strangest life I’ve ever known.” Am I where I thought I’d be at 30? Yes and No.

I had a life plan in my head before I graduated high school. Nothing too specific, as I had no clue what I really wanted to be when I grew up (and still don’t). But it went something like this: go to college, get a great job and climb the corporate ladder, get married at 22, have a kid at 27.

Those were my “supposed to’s”–those things I thought I had to do to have a good life. I’ve done them and they have contributed to a life I enjoy (all except that whole job thing). But they aren’t everything. Those things are only a small part of who I am. I didn’t really know who I was back then, so filling in the space around those significant events would have been impossible.

Approaching 30, I know a little bit more about who I am, and who I am not. I’m healthier (much better diet, much more exercise), more self aware; I’m more “me” and happier with myself than I was 10 years ago. That is a good feeling. But I’m still trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do with my time outside of my family. Alex is 2 1/2. He occupies the majority of my time right now. But that won’t always be the case. I’m starting to think about what I want for the future. Where do I want to be 10 years from now?

I’ll be turning 40. Alex will almost be a teenager (eek!). I have this idea that I’d like to teach during the spring and fall and travel during the summer. I have a horrible case of wanderlust, but at the same time I’m a total homebody. I love having my space and my favorite things around me. Travel is fun, but exhausting. The cool thing about living in Italy has been getting to know a local culture more slowly. I would love to choose one new place every summer to spend a couple months. And then be able to go back home to my nest. Maybe I’ll write a book or publish an anthology of poetry. I will still be making art of course, and (hopefully) exhibiting regularly.

I’m launching my painting website soon. (more about that later!) It is a great starting point. I love doing portraits, and I’m still amazed that I’m getting paid to do it. It has given me confidence that one can actually make a living creating art. (This is something society doesn’t advertise…”starving artist” anyone?) I’m just now coming to terms with the fact that I can let myself go after my big dreams. I can embrace my talents and move confidently towards success with the knowledge that even failure is a success because at least I’m trying. I’m not taking “no” for an answer. I’m not giving up on my dreams because they are “unrealistic.”

But at the same time it’s a giant leap into the unknown. When I trained for a career in fashion, and played by the rules at my corporate job, there was a clear script to follow. You do ABC; you get XYZ. Same thing with the family life. I was following a definite life script–a pattern that was tried and true. But I didn’t find contentment along those paths. Ultimately we have to write our own script for this screenplay called Life. In order to be truly fulfilled, we have to actually experience life. This often calls for improvisation. So, even though I can sort of make out a fuzzy impression of what I want my life to be like in 10 years, I know that if I’m truly living my life to the fullest, it will be above and beyond anything I can imagine.

So here’s to loving life at 30 and looking forward to a kick-ass decade to come!