White Orchid Melody Blog

Many new age spirituality gurus espouse living in a state of neutrality–that you should seek contentment rather than joy. Deepak Chopra writes that you should imagine life like a river where the banks are your highs and lows–you don’t want to be crashing back and forth from one bank to another, but rather float near the middle. I see his point, but at the same time we shouldn’t avoid our feelings either. Our capacity for infinite joy and sadness is what makes us human. I think it is an essential part of our experience of life. Further, joy and pain are the emotional clues as to what we should (or shouldn’t) be doing with our lives. Feelings of joy are keys to our passion. Feelings of pain are clues about what to avoid or about parts of us that need healing. Emotions are the signposts for directed action. When we embrace, rather than avoid, our emotional response, we can move through life in a more graceful fashion. Life won’t have to throw huge roadblocks up or knock you off track completely if you are paying attention to the smaller signs along the way… Like this.

I read something the other day that said that Hope was not the beautiful thing everyone makes it out to be. According to the author, it is in fact, a negative emotion–a distraction from living in the present moment. My first thought was, “That’s hogwash. Of course hope is a good thing.” But I’ve been musing over this for a couple weeks now and I’m not so sure.

My initial thought was that there are people in bad situations that need hope to survive. You can’t always change your circumstances, right? Well, yes and no. I guess hope is good if it inspires you to consider the fact that life could be better, but it is a negative emotion if you stop there. It must be a catalyst. You must first hope and then take the steps to make the change. Hope for a better life is useless if you are unwilling to do anything to make it better. Few of us are ever truly trapped. The only thing, in most cases, that can trap us in a situation is our fear. We fear that we will make things worse not better. But as I’ve discussed before, we can’t let fear lead us through life. A decision based on fear is always the wrong decision.

It is all a quest for balance after all. Let hope inspire you. The prospect of a new and wonderful day on the horizon is one of the most beautiful things about life. But don’t forget that there is beauty in today as well. Enjoy what today offers even if it isn’t perfect. Enjoy your capacity for improvement and the anticipation of more adventure and beauty and truth and love in your life. And do what you can to make sure that all of those things are coming your way in abundance.

There are lots of ways to make decisions in your life. You can make a list of pros and cons. You can look to see what everyone else is doing. You can ask opinions of those close to you. Ultimately, though, it’s on you.

I think the answers to all of our questions in life are there in our hearts the whole time. It’s that feeling that won’t go away. It’s knowing the answer before you ask the question.

You can, and probably will, argue with your heart, however. This is actually what makes decision making difficult. Your mind, of course, loves this pastime! Your mind will pull out all the stops, tell you what others will think of you, what others have done, what you have done in the past that would be inconsistent, and on, and on. It will probably try to scare your heart away from it’s true desire.

Most often what we really, really want in life is not found on the easy path. This goes back to my last post about Big Dreams. Things found on the easy path are not goals that give you chills! Your heart wants to feel excited about something. It wants to do something your mind thinks you can’t do. It wants to dream big and live big.

But how do you tell if it’s your heart or your mind speaking to you? I’ve found that my heart, or intuition, is often accompanied by a positive emotional response. It can feel like excitement or peace, but it is generally positive. It is a strong feeling that doesn’t go away. The voice coming from my mind is usually very rational. It wants to tell me facts and figures, and if that doesn’t work, it will resort to fear-mongering. A decision based on fear is NEVER the right choice. Good decisions are based on love.

That isn’t always the message we get from the world around us though. Conformity wants us to think that good decisions are based on responsibility and duty. We should live up to what others expect from us. Should we though? Aren’t each of us living a life all our own? I’m not advocating being an inconsiderate asshole. I’m just saying that you should stick up for yourself. At the end of your life the only one you have to answer to is yourself. You will be the one lying there, looking back, evaluating whether or not you lived a good life. As far as any of us know for certain, we’ve got one shot at this. (And even if we do have multiple lives, we’ll probably not have the same exact opportunities again.) So we must make the most of what we have. I don’t want to let fear keep me from living an awesome life.

I have, in the past, made fear based decisions. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I regret those decisions, simply because I value my past for having brought me to this present. But still, I recognize that I missed opportunities due to faulty decision making. For example, in college I studied Fashion Design. My favorite part of the major was fashion illustration. I should have pursued that as a career, kind of a no-brainer. But I let my mind, speaking through fear, convince me that I wasn’t good enough, that I wouldn’t make enough money, that it was just too hard. I took the easy route. There were no chill-inducing Big Dreams there on the easy route, and surprise, surprise, I was quickly disillusioned with my career path.

I’ve often let life have its way with me. I used to be a serious worrier. I fretted about everything. I came up with a saying to keep myself a bit more calm: “You can’t make a decision until there is a decision to be made.” This is good insomuch as it keeps one from worrying about things beyond one’s control. However, I tend to take it too far sometimes and refuse to make any sort of decision until my hand is forced. I let life push me around. It would be much better to get in touch with my heart, my intuition, and figure out what really feels right for me and then follow that path. But that can be scary. We have to all remember that No Risk = No Reward. We have to listen to our hearts and take the leap! There is a more dazzling, fabulous, spine tingling existence just waiting for you!

Further reading: Self-Reliance by Ralph Waldo Emerson. This is an excellent essay on being your own person and not letting life or anyone around you just drag you along.

I read somewhere that if your dream doesn’t give you the chills, you aren’t dreaming big enough. We’re talking dreams, of course, not the interim goals associated with getting there. Dream big, and then set small, manageable goals for actually getting there.

My big dream is to have a Bed and Breakfast/Artist’s Retreat. I want an old farmhouse on a bit of land where I can build little cabins for art studios. It is funny how this idea has evolved. The Creative Haven started out as an idea for a paint your own pottery studio. I was working with a consultant on the business plan, but it just never seemed to come together, due to time or financial constraints. Then we moved to Italy. Since being here, my idea has expanded. Paint your own pottery studios are cool, but is that my passion? Not so much.

We’ve traveled quite a bit here, staying in various hotels. I’m quick to spot the potential in spaces, and I got really turned on to the idea of creating a well-designed and welcoming Bed and Breakfast. They also have these fabulous agriturismo B&Bs here, where they have essentially a farm and restaurant on site (that is sort of a tangent to my Big Dream, but it is always good to have room to grow).

Being here has given me the time and space to be creative, to paint and write and just slow down. I would love to provide that space for others who may not have that in their daily life. Wouldn’t a week or two away from it all to get down and dirty creative be awesome?!

Big Dreams have to be something that makes your heart sing. For me that is decorating and entertaining, and being surrounded by creative people. And being creative myself, of course. I’m right-brain, left-brain balanced, so the idea of having a creative business really appeals to me.

Big Dreams should also serve the world. What is your contribution to the world today? How are you making an impact? I’m raising my son, which is a big contribution, I’d say. I’m also making art and sharing it with the world. But those are both abstract contributions. I want to offer something more tangible. Offering a Creative Haven to artists would be one way. But I think I can do more.

When I was in high school, I really loved art. But I didn’t see how it was possible to make a living making art. So, I talked myself into starting the environmental science program when I went to college. But when I went to register for classes I realized I wasn’t so excited about all those science classes. I wanted to take drawing! I came to my senses and transferred to the art school. But only after talking to the admissions department about the possibility of gainful employment after 4 years! I was pleasantly surprised to find out that Fashion Design majors were easily employed. But still, the financial factor has been a huge part of my decision making process in pursuing education, career path, etc.

I’m sure you’ve heard it asked, “What would you do if money was no object?” Your reply is supposedly your passion and what you should be pursuing. But it is very difficult to actually do that. Most of us live constrained by fear and practicality. Not many people are going around encouraging young people to pursue their dreams. Mostly the message is to grow up and be responsible. Conform.

With the Creative Haven, I’d like to change that. I’d like to use proceeds from the B&B to offer scholarships for young people interested in pursuing the arts. I’d also like to be a voice that says, “Follow your passion! You’ll never find happiness if you don’t!” Maybe I’ll offer summer art camps full of motivational pep talks I’d like to make a difference.

So how do you get your Big Dream to be your big reality? Small goals. It’s a delicate balance. Sometimes we make excuses for having what we really want by creating distance between ourselves and our goals. We say, “I want Z, but first I have to do A through Y.” It can be overwhelming. I think meditation can be useful here as a way to get in touch with your goals without worrying about how it will happen. Sometimes just setting the intention is half the battle. And then sometimes you’ll get a feeling for what the flow might be.

For me and my Big Dream, I don’t have any concrete steps. In fact I could probably do it tomorrow if that’s what I wanted. But I have a sense that things will flow a different way. I’m open to whatever path will take me there. Here’s what I think it might look like:

First, I’m planning to go back to school for my Master of Fine Arts degree. I really enjoyed my time teaching Fashion Illustration at Wash U, and I’d like to teach in the future. And spending a couple of years honing my painting skills and more fully developing my critical analysis would be good for me. What does that have to do with Creative Haven? Well, teaching will probably help me earn more money than selling paintings alone (even though teachers don’t make very much!).

I’m also not ready to settle down in one spot just yet. I’ll be moving somewhere for school, then somewhere to teach, and then maybe other places, and traveling all the while, of course. Hopefully along the way I’ll meet lots of artists who will one day come to my retreats! We all know the power of networking. But when the time is right, I’ll feel it. I’ll keep close to my love, and my passion, not fear, will guide me.

And of course, I reserve the right to completely change my mind about all of this and take some path of which I cannot yet even conceive. I’ll leave you with this quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson’s essay “Self Reliance”:

“With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall. Speak what you think now in hard words and tomorrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said today.–’Ah, so you shall be sure to be misunderstood.’–Is it so bad then to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood.”

I’m suffering from a bit of existential angst again. Well, I have been for awhile now. I stumbled across a blog today that captures the essence of it quite well. The grace in falling apart talks about how sometimes you just don’t feel happy, even though maybe you think you should. The author describes how the confusion that can come from the feeling of discontent can be a nudge to look inward and really find yourself. Those times when maybe we aren’t so creative or aren’t accomplishing anything can be just the quiet time we need…even though it feels uncomfortable. Inspiration could be simmering there.

And what’s wrong with feeling uncomfortable anyway? Who says you have to be happy all the time? Do you label happy as “good” and sad as “bad”? I do. When I feel sad, I say “what is wrong with me?” When maybe, everything is just right. We are human beings with a whole range of emotions for a reason. The happy, joyous, inspired feelings are not the only ones that are valid and valuable.

We’ve all been told we should be strong and healthy. It doesn’t feel good when we aren’t. We feel vulnerable. I don’t like to feel vulnerable. But that place of vulnerability is where you truly exist. It’s where you aren’t hidden, covered, or distracted. Those messages we get from that place are important. They are clues from your higher self (or God or whatever you want to call it) about what you are here to be (notice I said “to be” not “to do”).

I always feel like I have to be so strong and responsible and driven. It is hard for me to admit when I feel weak and lost. But it is really important to acknowledge those feelings, embrace them even. Sometimes it feels good to fall apart.

Start Simply. Live Greener.

One of the biggest examples of our insane American consumerist culture is the wedding registry. Don’t get me wrong. It is a fabulous invention. You get gifts that you want and will actually use. That sort of living by design is one of the tenants of simple living. Unfortunately it also tends to be a consumer free for all. “Let’s buy everything now! Even if we don’t need it (or have room for it) now, we might need it some day. So, we should put it on the registry, right?”

Well, no, actually. Those premade lists are to help stores sell products not to help you design your life. So is there a better way to do it?

One of the things I’ve talked about here before is the idea that simple living is not necessarily frugal living. It is about making good choices so that you get value for the money spent. It is better to buy a more expensive quality product, than a cheap item that will have to be replaced over and over again. Buy products that are made to last. It saves money over the long run and it is much better for the environment. So with a wedding registry think about quality over quantity. Think about good basic items that will last over the years. Save the decorative items for your own (hopefully more creative and resourceful) shopping.

Here is a suggested registry list from Real Simple. It is, in fact, on the simple side–much better than the mammoth list at The Knot.

From that list, what are some good quality items that can multi task and last you a lifetime (or at least a long time)? Let’s start with the smallest room in the house.

Towels - Go ahead and register for good quality fluffy white towels–bath towels, hand towels, and washcloths. Make sure the bath towels are 52″ or longer. You can always accent your bathroom later with inexpensive hand towels in different colors.
Shower Curtain – Go cloth! Skip the crappy vinyl liner and get a nice white, water resistant, washable cloth liner. You can layer a more decorative curtain on the outside as your style and preference change over time.
Trash Can – A small stainless trashcan (with a lid) always looks good and you’ll be glad it has a lid if you get a pet or have a baby later!

Bathrobes - There is a good chance you already have these. If not, they make a nice gift for each other. Think about snuggling up together in new robes at Christmastime!
Bath Mat – This is a great way to add a personal touch to your bathroom decor. Find vintage rugs from a flea market or check yardsales and craigslist. I’ve been much happier with a cotton rag throw rug in the bathroom than I ever was with those rubber backed “bath mats”. It is washable, water absorbent, and lasts much longer.
Soap Dish – This is another decorative item. If you use bar soap, a cute vintage saucer from a thrift store or grandma’s house could look great. If you want a pump for liquid soap, look for something well made. I found that the $10 pumps from Target end up getting discolored or corroded on the metal parts after only a short time. I have a slightly more expensive one from Crate and Barrel ($20 maybe?) that looks brand new after 6 years.
Toothbrush Holder – You need somewhere to store your toothbrush if you don’t have a medicine cabinet. But a toothbrush holder with the little holes? Pass. They are not easy to clean and they are only good for that one thing. If you decide you don’t like it anymore, there isn’t really anywhere else in the house you can use it. Try a cool vintage glass cup instead.
Hamper – Personally, I think hampers are ridiculous. You put clothes into one container only to have to transfer them into another container to transport to the laundry room. I don’t like housework well enough to add extra steps to the process! Get some laundry baskets and store them in the closet if you don’t want your dirty clothes lying around for the world to see.

The idea is to lay a good foundation of quality items. Then find creative, earth friendly ways to add your personal touch. Stay tuned for Part 2!