White Orchid Melody Blog

On Tuesday, November 30th, I completed National Novel Writing Month with 50,066 words written in 30 days.

You were born free. (The more you try to earn your freedom, the more trapped you become.)

-Danielle LaPorte

Go read the rest of the post here.

Freedom. This is something I’ve been pondering over for quite some time. Approaching 30, I began to feel trapped by certain aspects of my life, like I wasn’t free to do certain things I want to do with my life for a multitude of reasons.

So when I read that quote this morning, it resounded with me. It resounded with truth. However, I think it goes deeper than that.

Yes, we are born free. But what part of us is free, exactly? I ask that because most of us don’t really feel all that free. Are children free? I wouldn’t say so. They are subject to the rules and whims of their parents. They are not free to do what is best for them. Granted, they don’t always know as a child what is best for them. But still, the point is that children aren’t free. So, then, are we really born free?

As you grow into an adult, you generally have an idea about things that you must do. Some lists might include things like: go to college, get a job, get married. If we were free, we would believe that all of those things were options, but that not doing those things were equally viable options. We would always feel the freedom to choose.

Based on those two examples, I don’t think a feeling of freedom is inherent in most people. It must be developed as we self-actualize. As we get in touch with who we really are at the soul level, then we begin to understand that feeling of freedom. You realize that security and freedom are found inside yourself; they are never determined by external factors.

The quote inspired me because it reminded me that freedom is mine without me needing to earn it. All I need to do is remember that it is mine. To experience anything, you must be that thing you wish to experience. You can’t view expressions of self as future goals, you must own it now.

I am free. I am free to make whatever choices are best for me at every moment in time. I am free to want whatever it is that I want and not constantly question or deny myself. Only when I allow myself the freedom to want what I want do I have the power to get it.

It is a very powerful thing to free yourself from yourself. You are the only one who can ever hold yourself captive. So let go. Feel what it means to be free. Know that your soul has no bounds. And then the world is yours for the taking.

I’ve written here before about life being like a story. There are highs and lows, character development, scenery, supporting characters, etc. I read a book on synchronicitythat talked about how coincidences in life are what makes for interesting “plot development”. A blog I read frequently, Personal Development for Smart People, had a post recently that brought to mind this idea once again. He did a thirty day experiment with living subjectively (very interesting, worth a read). He basically went around pretending that life was all a dream. What he learned from the experiment was that although in that state of mind you could theoretically attract only positive things–the easy life, so to speak–that would get boring fairly quickly. I gave that some thought. We tend to think we want the easy life, all of our problems solved, but then what? If we stop growing, we die. And the way we grow is through overcoming obstacles. My personal viewpoint is that if you don’t take your personal development in your own hands, the universe is going to kick your ass repeatedly. His view is that it is all up to you either way. Which I believe also, at a deeper level.

So do you ever think about the story you are writing with your life? Is your story interesting? Are you proud of your hero or heroine for what he or she is accomplishing and experiencing? If not, how can you change it?

I think my story has been interesting so far. I want it to continue to be interesting. I want to be challenged on a comfortable, but continual basis. I don’t want to spend my time on petty problems. I want bigger, better, more interesting problems. In order for that to happen, I have to continue to simplify my life, to eliminate the clutter (of people, activities, and things). I need to focus on what is important to me and focus my growth and development in those areas. It is easy to flitter your life away on dumb stuff that doesn’t matter. So, ask yourself, “what does this [person, activity, or thing] contribute to my story?” If the answer is nothing, or if the answer is negative, you might want to break out the red ink pen and edit that area of your life.

I have a rather significant birthday coming up next weekend. Yes, I will be celebrating the 30th anniversary of my incarnation in this present form. As Jim Morrison said, “this is the strangest life I’ve ever known.” Am I where I thought I’d be at 30? Yes and No.

I had a life plan in my head before I graduated high school. Nothing too specific, as I had no clue what I really wanted to be when I grew up (and still don’t). But it went something like this: go to college, get a great job and climb the corporate ladder, get married at 22, have a kid at 27.

Those were my “supposed to’s”–those things I thought I had to do to have a good life. I’ve done them and they have contributed to a life I enjoy (all except that whole job thing). But they aren’t everything. Those things are only a small part of who I am. I didn’t really know who I was back then, so filling in the space around those significant events would have been impossible.

Approaching 30, I know a little bit more about who I am, and who I am not. I’m healthier (much better diet, much more exercise), more self aware; I’m more “me” and happier with myself than I was 10 years ago. That is a good feeling. But I’m still trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do with my time outside of my family. Alex is 2 1/2. He occupies the majority of my time right now. But that won’t always be the case. I’m starting to think about what I want for the future. Where do I want to be 10 years from now?

I’ll be turning 40. Alex will almost be a teenager (eek!). I have this idea that I’d like to teach during the spring and fall and travel during the summer. I have a horrible case of wanderlust, but at the same time I’m a total homebody. I love having my space and my favorite things around me. Travel is fun, but exhausting. The cool thing about living in Italy has been getting to know a local culture more slowly. I would love to choose one new place every summer to spend a couple months. And then be able to go back home to my nest. Maybe I’ll write a book or publish an anthology of poetry. I will still be making art of course, and (hopefully) exhibiting regularly.

I’m launching my painting website soon. (more about that later!) It is a great starting point. I love doing portraits, and I’m still amazed that I’m getting paid to do it. It has given me confidence that one can actually make a living creating art. (This is something society doesn’t advertise…”starving artist” anyone?) I’m just now coming to terms with the fact that I can let myself go after my big dreams. I can embrace my talents and move confidently towards success with the knowledge that even failure is a success because at least I’m trying. I’m not taking “no” for an answer. I’m not giving up on my dreams because they are “unrealistic.”

But at the same time it’s a giant leap into the unknown. When I trained for a career in fashion, and played by the rules at my corporate job, there was a clear script to follow. You do ABC; you get XYZ. Same thing with the family life. I was following a definite life script–a pattern that was tried and true. But I didn’t find contentment along those paths. Ultimately we have to write our own script for this screenplay called Life. In order to be truly fulfilled, we have to actually experience life. This often calls for improvisation. So, even though I can sort of make out a fuzzy impression of what I want my life to be like in 10 years, I know that if I’m truly living my life to the fullest, it will be above and beyond anything I can imagine.

So here’s to loving life at 30 and looking forward to a kick-ass decade to come!

A friend of mine recently shared this article, which is a discussion among 20-somethings about the original article, entitled “What Is It About 20-Somethings?”, which is about the current phenomenon of “late blooming” among said 20-somethings. Now, go read the original article. Then, come back here and read my thoughts (if you’d like).

Here is an excerpt from the original article: 

Just as adolescence has its particular psychological profile, Arnett says, so does emerging adulthood: identity exploration, instability, self-focus, feeling in-between and a rather poetic characteristic he calls “a sense of possibilities.” A few of these, especially identity exploration, are part of adolescence too, but they take on new depth and urgency in the 20s. The stakes are higher when people are approaching the age when options tend to close off and lifelong commitments must be made. Arnett calls it “the age 30 deadline.” 

My first thought on reading that was that the psychological profile sounds like me. And that I really don’t think it is going to magically dissipate at age 30 (which is in less than a month, eek!). But what is interesting is that I’ve already achieved all of the supposed milestones that are stressing out my fellow 20-somethings. And yet I still feel that way. Why is that? Well, I think it’s that “lifelong commitments must be made” part that I refuse to buy into. I believe that exploring your identity, having some degree of self-focus (and therefore self-improvement) is really a lifelong process. I certainly hope that is not something reserved only for young adults. (Although that thinking could be what’s wrong with the world today, a bunch of people refusing to change and grow. Hmmm.) The same is true for that feeling of “possibilites.” Shouldn’t you always be excited for the possibilities before you? If you aren’t, then what are you doing exactly? Change is the only constant, so we cannot assume that we reach some magical place where everything is perfect and then just maintain. That doesn’t happen. Ever. You are growing or you are shrinking; which would you prefer? I’d much prefer to be excited about the possibilities. 

The article goes on to discuss this period of “emerging adulthood” as something that may or may not be essential to developing into a fully actualized adult. The author shares another quote from some of the research on this: 

[Arnett] writes in “Emerging Adulthood“, “…emerging adults develop skills for daily living, gain a better understanding of who they are and what they want from life and begin to build a foundation for their adult lives.” 

So what happens when you skip that time of confusion and just dive right into adult responsibilities? According to the author: 

When people are forced to adopt adult responsibilities early, maybe they just do what they have to do, whether or not their brains are ready. Maybe it’s only now, when young people are allowed to forestall adult obligations without fear of public censure, that the rate of societal maturation can finally fall into better sync with the maturation of the brain. 

Hmmm. Is that my problem? I’ve had a sense for awhile now that I was just going through the motions in life up until this past year. I did all the things I was supposed to do: worked hard in high school to get a scholarship to college, worked hard in college to get a great job after, worked hard at my job to get a promotion, found a great man to marry, got the great house, 401k, all the trappings, had a baby. Yep, I’ve got it all. But wait, it wasn’t the magic happiness formula! Personally I’m grateful that I tried all those things early and found out it wasn’t what I needed in life. How disillusioned would I have been if I’d not figured that out until I was 45? So, in some ways it’s unfortunate that I didn’t have the chance to just drift and be confused and “find myself”. But on the other hand, I’ve had a lot more information to input into the “finding myself” equation. I may not have figured out exactly what does work, but I’ve figured out a few things that don’t. That’s what life is, after all: a learn as you go affair. Though I may be more drifting and confused than a 30 year old should be, I’m committed to making it a lifelong process. I don’t have any magic date in my mind for attaining perfection. To me, attaining perfection is dying: what else is there to live for? I want to always be drifting and confused, at least a little bit. At least then I’ll know I’m growing and changing and becoming a better version of me each and every day.

Sometimes you just FEEL something. It’s that nagging voice in your head telling you that something you are doing isn’t working, or maybe that you should try something new. Last year, I felt very convicted about Honesty. Not that I’m a liar or anything. But most of us sell out everyday in little ways when we aren’t completely honest with ourselves and others about how we really feel. I started to feel like that wasn’t going to cut it anymore. This denial of my true self was keeping me from growing. I resisted at first, because let’s face it, honesty is HARD. Especially honesty with yourself. Then to open up to those close to you about how you are really feeling can be frightening. Will they think I’ve lost my mind? Will they judge me? Well, maybe. But that isn’t going to change the fact that you are who you are and you feel what you feel. I listened to that feeling and vowed to myself to be totally honest. Opening up to myself and those close to me allowed me to overcome a plateau in thinking, in existing, as well as further develop relationships with others.

So that feeling is here again. Now it is about intuition. I believe in a higher guidance system. I believe those inner feelings are more valid than all the crap my mind spews out about any given situation. But it is still difficult to act on that. I’m feeling this conviction that I need to let my intuition, not my logic, lead the way. But we don’t always feel comfortable with what our intuition is telling us. In fact I’d guess that most times we are uncomfortable with anything that isn’t logic based. I have these grand internal debates, mind verses intuition. My mind will argue with anyone, anytime. And lately it has been exhausting me. A couple days ago, I got the feeling that I just needed to stop. Relax. Open up to the universe, and see what happens. Look for synchronicities, for signs. It is like a state of walking meditation. It makes me think of something I read in an Emerson essay. He wrote about the fact that you can hash something over in your mind only so long, and then you have to let go so the solution can make an appearance. Einstein had a similar approach to problem solving. Sometimes we just have to get out of our own way.

Many new age spirituality gurus espouse living in a state of neutrality–that you should seek contentment rather than joy. Deepak Chopra writes that you should imagine life like a river where the banks are your highs and lows–you don’t want to be crashing back and forth from one bank to another, but rather float near the middle. I see his point, but at the same time we shouldn’t avoid our feelings either. Our capacity for infinite joy and sadness is what makes us human. I think it is an essential part of our experience of life. Further, joy and pain are the emotional clues as to what we should (or shouldn’t) be doing with our lives. Feelings of joy are keys to our passion. Feelings of pain are clues about what to avoid or about parts of us that need healing. Emotions are the signposts for directed action. When we embrace, rather than avoid, our emotional response, we can move through life in a more graceful fashion. Life won’t have to throw huge roadblocks up or knock you off track completely if you are paying attention to the smaller signs along the way… Like this.

I read something the other day that said that Hope was not the beautiful thing everyone makes it out to be. According to the author, it is in fact, a negative emotion–a distraction from living in the present moment. My first thought was, “That’s hogwash. Of course hope is a good thing.” But I’ve been musing over this for a couple weeks now and I’m not so sure.

My initial thought was that there are people in bad situations that need hope to survive. You can’t always change your circumstances, right? Well, yes and no. I guess hope is good if it inspires you to consider the fact that life could be better, but it is a negative emotion if you stop there. It must be a catalyst. You must first hope and then take the steps to make the change. Hope for a better life is useless if you are unwilling to do anything to make it better. Few of us are ever truly trapped. The only thing, in most cases, that can trap us in a situation is our fear. We fear that we will make things worse not better. But as I’ve discussed before, we can’t let fear lead us through life. A decision based on fear is always the wrong decision.

It is all a quest for balance after all. Let hope inspire you. The prospect of a new and wonderful day on the horizon is one of the most beautiful things about life. But don’t forget that there is beauty in today as well. Enjoy what today offers even if it isn’t perfect. Enjoy your capacity for improvement and the anticipation of more adventure and beauty and truth and love in your life. And do what you can to make sure that all of those things are coming your way in abundance.

There are lots of ways to make decisions in your life. You can make a list of pros and cons. You can look to see what everyone else is doing. You can ask opinions of those close to you. Ultimately, though, it’s on you.

I think the answers to all of our questions in life are there in our hearts the whole time. It’s that feeling that won’t go away. It’s knowing the answer before you ask the question.

You can, and probably will, argue with your heart, however. This is actually what makes decision making difficult. Your mind, of course, loves this pastime! Your mind will pull out all the stops, tell you what others will think of you, what others have done, what you have done in the past that would be inconsistent, and on, and on. It will probably try to scare your heart away from it’s true desire.

Most often what we really, really want in life is not found on the easy path. This goes back to my last post about Big Dreams. Things found on the easy path are not goals that give you chills! Your heart wants to feel excited about something. It wants to do something your mind thinks you can’t do. It wants to dream big and live big.

But how do you tell if it’s your heart or your mind speaking to you? I’ve found that my heart, or intuition, is often accompanied by a positive emotional response. It can feel like excitement or peace, but it is generally positive. It is a strong feeling that doesn’t go away. The voice coming from my mind is usually very rational. It wants to tell me facts and figures, and if that doesn’t work, it will resort to fear-mongering. A decision based on fear is NEVER the right choice. Good decisions are based on love.

That isn’t always the message we get from the world around us though. Conformity wants us to think that good decisions are based on responsibility and duty. We should live up to what others expect from us. Should we though? Aren’t each of us living a life all our own? I’m not advocating being an inconsiderate asshole. I’m just saying that you should stick up for yourself. At the end of your life the only one you have to answer to is yourself. You will be the one lying there, looking back, evaluating whether or not you lived a good life. As far as any of us know for certain, we’ve got one shot at this. (And even if we do have multiple lives, we’ll probably not have the same exact opportunities again.) So we must make the most of what we have. I don’t want to let fear keep me from living an awesome life.

I have, in the past, made fear based decisions. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I regret those decisions, simply because I value my past for having brought me to this present. But still, I recognize that I missed opportunities due to faulty decision making. For example, in college I studied Fashion Design. My favorite part of the major was fashion illustration. I should have pursued that as a career, kind of a no-brainer. But I let my mind, speaking through fear, convince me that I wasn’t good enough, that I wouldn’t make enough money, that it was just too hard. I took the easy route. There were no chill-inducing Big Dreams there on the easy route, and surprise, surprise, I was quickly disillusioned with my career path.

I’ve often let life have its way with me. I used to be a serious worrier. I fretted about everything. I came up with a saying to keep myself a bit more calm: “You can’t make a decision until there is a decision to be made.” This is good insomuch as it keeps one from worrying about things beyond one’s control. However, I tend to take it too far sometimes and refuse to make any sort of decision until my hand is forced. I let life push me around. It would be much better to get in touch with my heart, my intuition, and figure out what really feels right for me and then follow that path. But that can be scary. We have to all remember that No Risk = No Reward. We have to listen to our hearts and take the leap! There is a more dazzling, fabulous, spine tingling existence just waiting for you!

Further reading: Self-Reliance by Ralph Waldo Emerson. This is an excellent essay on being your own person and not letting life or anyone around you just drag you along.

I read somewhere that if your dream doesn’t give you the chills, you aren’t dreaming big enough. We’re talking dreams, of course, not the interim goals associated with getting there. Dream big, and then set small, manageable goals for actually getting there.

My big dream is to have a Bed and Breakfast/Artist’s Retreat. I want an old farmhouse on a bit of land where I can build little cabins for art studios. It is funny how this idea has evolved. The Creative Haven started out as an idea for a paint your own pottery studio. I was working with a consultant on the business plan, but it just never seemed to come together, due to time or financial constraints. Then we moved to Italy. Since being here, my idea has expanded. Paint your own pottery studios are cool, but is that my passion? Not so much.

We’ve traveled quite a bit here, staying in various hotels. I’m quick to spot the potential in spaces, and I got really turned on to the idea of creating a well-designed and welcoming Bed and Breakfast. They also have these fabulous agriturismo B&Bs here, where they have essentially a farm and restaurant on site (that is sort of a tangent to my Big Dream, but it is always good to have room to grow).

Being here has given me the time and space to be creative, to paint and write and just slow down. I would love to provide that space for others who may not have that in their daily life. Wouldn’t a week or two away from it all to get down and dirty creative be awesome?!

Big Dreams have to be something that makes your heart sing. For me that is decorating and entertaining, and being surrounded by creative people. And being creative myself, of course. I’m right-brain, left-brain balanced, so the idea of having a creative business really appeals to me.

Big Dreams should also serve the world. What is your contribution to the world today? How are you making an impact? I’m raising my son, which is a big contribution, I’d say. I’m also making art and sharing it with the world. But those are both abstract contributions. I want to offer something more tangible. Offering a Creative Haven to artists would be one way. But I think I can do more.

When I was in high school, I really loved art. But I didn’t see how it was possible to make a living making art. So, I talked myself into starting the environmental science program when I went to college. But when I went to register for classes I realized I wasn’t so excited about all those science classes. I wanted to take drawing! I came to my senses and transferred to the art school. But only after talking to the admissions department about the possibility of gainful employment after 4 years! I was pleasantly surprised to find out that Fashion Design majors were easily employed. But still, the financial factor has been a huge part of my decision making process in pursuing education, career path, etc.

I’m sure you’ve heard it asked, “What would you do if money was no object?” Your reply is supposedly your passion and what you should be pursuing. But it is very difficult to actually do that. Most of us live constrained by fear and practicality. Not many people are going around encouraging young people to pursue their dreams. Mostly the message is to grow up and be responsible. Conform.

With the Creative Haven, I’d like to change that. I’d like to use proceeds from the B&B to offer scholarships for young people interested in pursuing the arts. I’d also like to be a voice that says, “Follow your passion! You’ll never find happiness if you don’t!” Maybe I’ll offer summer art camps full of motivational pep talks I’d like to make a difference.

So how do you get your Big Dream to be your big reality? Small goals. It’s a delicate balance. Sometimes we make excuses for having what we really want by creating distance between ourselves and our goals. We say, “I want Z, but first I have to do A through Y.” It can be overwhelming. I think meditation can be useful here as a way to get in touch with your goals without worrying about how it will happen. Sometimes just setting the intention is half the battle. And then sometimes you’ll get a feeling for what the flow might be.

For me and my Big Dream, I don’t have any concrete steps. In fact I could probably do it tomorrow if that’s what I wanted. But I have a sense that things will flow a different way. I’m open to whatever path will take me there. Here’s what I think it might look like:

First, I’m planning to go back to school for my Master of Fine Arts degree. I really enjoyed my time teaching Fashion Illustration at Wash U, and I’d like to teach in the future. And spending a couple of years honing my painting skills and more fully developing my critical analysis would be good for me. What does that have to do with Creative Haven? Well, teaching will probably help me earn more money than selling paintings alone (even though teachers don’t make very much!).

I’m also not ready to settle down in one spot just yet. I’ll be moving somewhere for school, then somewhere to teach, and then maybe other places, and traveling all the while, of course. Hopefully along the way I’ll meet lots of artists who will one day come to my retreats! We all know the power of networking. But when the time is right, I’ll feel it. I’ll keep close to my love, and my passion, not fear, will guide me.

And of course, I reserve the right to completely change my mind about all of this and take some path of which I cannot yet even conceive. I’ll leave you with this quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson’s essay “Self Reliance”:

“With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall. Speak what you think now in hard words and tomorrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said today.–’Ah, so you shall be sure to be misunderstood.’–Is it so bad then to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood.”